“Your mother and I are separating but it’s not your fault, we love the three of you very much.”
“There are four of us.”
“You heard me.”
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[leaning over bathroom sink]
Me: *clips fingernail*
Fingernail: *lands in Italy*
the only way the climate is going to change is if it first admits it has a problem, there’s really nothing we can do
2 years later
No time to explain, I need 300 copies of this cat!
*throws cat at Kinko’s employee
I’m just a girl, standing at the refrigerator, flipping a Kraft single over and over looking for where the wrapper starts.
My 5-year-old refused to eat her dinner because Netflix was running slow.
At least she picked a worthy cause for her hunger strike.
Friend: “Any plans this weekend?”
Me: “I’m going to Alcoholics Unanimous.”
Friend: “I think you mean ‘Anonymous’.”
Me: “Nope.”
“You’re so chill” me: *in a coma*
me: slip out of that little red thing you’re wearing
*unwraps Babybel*
me, making small talk: so. i see you also have a face.
Gun control sounds like a dangerous but exciting way to change the channel
As the day goes on, coworkers start appearing more flammable.
A kid asked me how babies are made once and I panicked and said 3D printers because no one has ever explained it to me either.
Genie: Alright, you know the drill, 3 rules: no wishing for death, no falling in love, no bringing anyone back from the dead
Me: I wish my socks were tongues 🙂
Genie:
Genie: There are 4 rules
Tired: Clapping when the plane lands
Wired: Clapping when the Lyft arrives
“Murder most fowl!” I scream as the cops pull me away from the many duck corpses. They explain I misunderstood Hamlet while arresting me.
Judge: so your petition says irreconcilable differences
Me: yesterday he wore Nike shoes with Adidas socks
Judge: divorce granted
[call]
MOM: please be safe in the snowstorm.
ME: idgaf about snow i’m a gangster.
MOM: what?
ME: i said thanks for calling i love you.
Bro. His friends dared him to go touch your shoe
me: hi
sloth: HELL!!!!
me: ..umm [walks away]
sloth: ..oh 🙁
Baristas, stop paintin’ pictures in my damn latte. I’m gonna drink that shit not frame it.
*driving to the store*Lemons, lemons
*inside the store* Lemons, Lemons
*comes homes*
wife:Did you get the apples?
*drives back to the store*
I was washing my car and my neighbor said when I’m done I can wash his car too and we laughed and laughed and then I water boarded him
One time I saw a biker’s funeral procession and realized even dead people are cooler than me.
There are 2 types of people in this world: those that can parallel park on the 1st try and those that don’t think they are better than everyone else.
[if you can make a girl laugh you can make her do anything]
*makes a girl laugh*
me: can you do my taxes
If your dress suddenly turns into rags at midnight while you’re being driven home by a bunch of mice on a pumpkin, you’re not Cinderella, you’re drunk.
Me: “Jesus, please make me a better person…”
Jesus: *deletes my account*
Me: “NOT LIKE THAT!”
According to science, the most stressful events for an adult are:
-Divorce
-Death of a close family member
-Personal injury or illnessAnd the most stressful events for a kid are:
-Bedtime
-Dad cut the sandwich into rectangles not triangles
-“He’s copying me”
[at the club]
Me: I got the moves
Her: it’s “runs”