Your name is just a compromise. It’s the one both your parents didn’t hate.
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the Monday after daylight savings
[Paranormal Investigator shows up at Disney World]
Ok, show me this so-called “haunted mansion”
I’m glad Mr Peanut is dead. For years he flaunted his lavish lifestyle while billions of peanuts lived in dirt only to be ground into (admittedly tasty) peanut butter
I’m “Since when did it become unacceptable for your socks to show” years old.
Brain cell 1: say have a nice day
Brain cell 2: nah say have a good oneMouth: Haven gice done
I wish the vaccine made ME magnetic. I can never find my keys.
*cocks shotgun*
Goodnight Moon
(At Kentucky Derby)
ME: I’d like to enter my horse for the race.
EMPLOYEE: Sir, that’s a cheetah.
ME: *slyly passes him a burrito* Or is it?
Sermons in 10 minutes or less or you go to Heaven for FREE!!
Drive as I say, not as I drive.
They say that 50 is the new 40, but these traffic police are having none of it.
If you’re serious about your mental health, find a very pale doctor in an unreasonably dark office at an understaffed isolated 200 year old sanitarium that appears abandoned then go ahead and check in until you’re cured/murdered.
Friend: I’m not trying to butt heads with you, but…
Me: *dons helmet, tightens chin strap, braces for impact* BRING IT!
On average, 13 people a year are killed by sharks, and 2 of those are stabbings
therapy: $500
tattoo: $500 but cooler
Don’t tell me about Stockholm Syndrome, I woke up at 6 AM on my first day of vacation wondering how things were going at work.
I told my kids I’m not coming out of the bathroom until they stop fighting, I’m really looking forward to a long nap and some me time
He asked me to use smaller words, so I pat him on the head as I said “bye-bye”.
Friend: wyd
Me: *waxing my bits*
texts – Arts and crafts, you?
Boss: And this will be your desk. Make yourself at home
Me (pulling a rotisserie chicken from my purse & putting it on the desk): Thanks
5yo: Curious George is not a monkey
Me: yes he is
5yo: no he isn’t, he doesn’t have a tail, he’s an ape
Me: he definitely has a— *googling pics of Curious George* omg
My wife took a bunch of my clothes to make a scarecrow today and seeing it come together I realized I dress like a scarecrow.
Told my son I was born with a cone shaped head because doctor used a vacuum thing to pull me out at birth. He now calls me cone head and is looking for a cone emoji to put on his phone next to my contact name. WE ARE ADJUSTING TO COHABITATING JUST FINE!
Legend 🤣🤣
I will never miss you, because I’m a really good shooter.
[makes eye contact with guy on bus]
Him: *opens flip phone*
Me: *pulls out cordless phone*
Him: …
Me: *stretches out metal antenna*
Be nice to Canadians, American tweeters. We’re going to need somewhere to go after this next election
Now that I’m in charge of Santa’s milk and cookies, it’s payback time for that Barbie townhouse I never got.
When I die, I want my ashes loaded in a howitzer and shot at a target. That way, when it misses and smashes a storefront, everyone will be like “yup, that’s Dean”
4, crawling into bed with me at 3am: mommy? i had a nightmare
me: me too. what was yours?
4: ghosts were chasing me. what was yours?
me: that I didn’t have kids and I could get a full night’s sleep
4: you know nightmares aren’t real?
me: yeah, I do