Your other foot. Nope. Still the other foot. You have two feet this isn’t hard. THE. OTHER. FOOT. OMG
-me watching a toddler put shoes on
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One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
Family: What do you want to do for Mother’s Day?
All Moms: Not have to decide what we are doing for Mother’s Day, for starters.
If it wasn’t for my coworkers who arrive to work after me I would never know it’s been raining for 7 days.
Future said “I wake up on a daily basis” so he other does so much drugs that that’s an accomplishment or he doesnt know thats what people do
bumping into a hot professor in the hallway and dropping my folder full of printed out pictures of the Green M&M
Parents: when naming a boy, consider using a king’s name, like Mattress or Burger.
Me: that was easy, what was my time? 3 minutes?
Escape room employee: ma’am we’re gonna need you to replace this door
My child has started writing raps and while I love her and applaud this development I wonder if she lacks the years of life experience the form demands
Just walked up to a white van in the parking lot and it literally sped away.
*Blindfolds myself
*Rage eats candy
“Plumber kept hitting things with his head, attempted to climb INTO drain, took my coin collection, killed my pet turtle.
0/10 stars, would not recommend.”
– Super Mario Bros. Online review
*points at houseplant*
no, YOU have a drinking problem!!
Rose: I’ll never let go
Jack: are you sure aboat that lol
Rose: wow you make a lot of puns, I never noticed before
Jack: does it give you a sinking feeling lmaoo
Rose: maybe you should let go
He reacted like the people in those David Blaine street magic videos
you can run but you can’t hide
*explaining the difference between tag and hide and seek*
Sorry for laughing and pointing when you fell. I just thought clapping would be rude.
Years ago, scientists knew barely anything about space! It was probably because those scientists were babies
Who called them Drinking Buddies and not Palcoholics
My zodiac sign is pistachio
Bladder: I have to go
Laziness: Hang in there, champ
😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
One time I microwaved my lunch at work and my coworker said “That smells spicy! What is that–is that salt?” And when I was speechless she followed up with “Is it pepper?”
I’ve been using the Netflix account of an ex for half a decade. We broke up in 2010 & in 2017 I got a text out of nowhere that said, “Do you watch anything that isn’t about death??” No. No I do not.
Hi, I’m a fruit fly that could live here undetected, but, no, I’m gonna fly in this lady’s face til she makes it her mission to destroy me.
[talking to a date]
“I hate rushing into relationships.”
[talking to a new friend]
“I’m tired of dating. Run away with me & we’ll get married in Vegas. We can start a raccoon farm outside of town & grow old together. No one can stop us.”
Why didn’t Wile E. Coyote just spend all that Acme money to buy an actual dinner?
saw a garbage truck with the tagline “our business stinks, but it’s picking up!” pretty good imo.
I love strapping my kids into their car seats.
It’s the closest I can legally come to putting them in straitjackets.
One of my most strongly held beliefs is that if you push down hard enough on anyone’s shoulders extra hair will start piping out of their head like a play-doh barbershop set
I don’t know about a butterfly affecting weather in China, but I do know that the violent draft of wind from my eyelids opening seems to wake both babies every morning