Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha with an inspirational text like:

“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa”

M: I’m gonna go relax

H: ok I’m gonna clean out a closet and come ask you questions until you offer to help

Me: *just died* I can finally rest without my kids waking me up for dumb shit

Son using Ouija board: HEY MA

bank website: you have one password attempt remaining before we kill your entire family

*logs into Facebook
*looks at pictures of people hugging their boyfriends
*comments ‘is that your dad’ on all of them
*logs out of Facebook

Told my doctor I would lose 10 pounds in three months. That was three months ago and now I have 18 hours to lose 9¾ pounds.

ME: I’ve got this nervous tick
DR: Since when?
ME: [taking small arachnid from pocket] July?
MICK: [sweating] You said you’d do the talking

Of course I talk to myself. I’m a great listener.

February
20°
NW Ohio

In a 2 acre parking lot, a bird manages to find my windshield.

Why doesn’t every mistake in real life I make have a squiggly red line underneath it?

my wife opens my diary & her jaw drops as she reads page after page after page after page of bigfoot poetry

My girlfriend told me to put the quart container of turkey gravy in the fridge door. I told her “nobody puts gravy in a corner.”

To all the men out there without ponytails: What are you afraid of? SUCCESS???

When I call back Domino’s a second time to let them know it’s been over an hour and my pizza still hasn’t been delivered.

“Our guests often come for a week but stay for months.”

– The cruise industry, putting a positive spin on Covid-19.

looks like someone ordered the brontosaurus ribs

Watermelon: because I like to chew flavored water.

*Meets new person, forgets their name two seconds after they say it. Spends the next ten minutes hoping others in the conversation will say their name so I don’t have to ask.

Me: Its so funny I keep dropping my phone

My phone: Yeah, you crack me up

I was offered a brownie at work and when I opened the box, it was filled with brown colored letter E’s.

Welcome to parenting, “your kid bangs his head while sneezing and it is somehow your fault.”

A couple weeks ago I left my front door open and my Roomba got out. This morning it showed up on my porch pregnant, with a dead bird in its mouth.

Me: oh the usual- just shedding some skin cells and still fascinated with champagne bubbles and tree bark.

Friend: why can’t you ever just say “fine thanks”?

“I’m so glad I stopped killing spiders after re-reading Charlottes Web”, I say out loud to my delicious bacon

HER: how was your day?

ME: you know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?

HER: it was that bad??

ME: oh no, it’s just a cool scene…my day was decent

[clenching fists] “I’ll fight someone”
Waiter: For the last time sir, ‘cheese plate’ describes the items on the plate not the plate itself

Crime tip: commit all your crimes in space NASA is not the space police there are no laws up there you will not go to jail

I’m from Texas, where “Let me call you right back” means enjoy the rest of your day.

falling in love with me is cool more people should do it