Your outfit says you work in an office, but your shoes say it might have a pole in it
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Baby sharks can hunt for food as soon as they are born and my children cannot find their underwear drawer.
it’s cool that your dog can fetch & obey commands but my cat can vomit on the bedspread so quietly that i don’t even wake up and you can’t teach that sort of thing
Girl: So, how many inches is it?
Pat: How many inches is what?
G: You know..
P: Uhhh, about 200 dollars long.
G: OMG, It’s so big!
Just undertaken the get on the scales to weigh yourself and off even quicker post-holiday move.
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single “I’m going out for cigarettes.”
Me: If Captain America and The Hulk got married they could name their kid Star-Spangled Banner
Therapist: we should start meeting twice a day
I’m by far not the best person but by far the worst thing I’ve ever done is accidentally touch the mailman through my house’s mail slot. I have never before heard the sort of noise he made after reaching into what he hoped was the cold embrace of a mail slot and finding a hand.
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If sex doesn’t include peanut butter, a live mongoose, and my psychiatrist taking notes then I don’t want it.
Rompers are cute and all until you have to pee in a public bathroom. There’s no cute way to execute that. You’re now in an episode of naked and afraid.
Boss: I’m going to have to fire you. It’s the way you misread EVERY situation somehow.
Me: *holding maracas* Wait, THAT’S why you asked me in here?!
Donald Trump only wears a toupee to hide Lord Voldemort.
ME: *being attacked by a werewolf*
ALL OF TWITTER: We don’t deserve dogs.
Wife: We don’t have anything planned today…
Me: Cool!
Wife: …so I was thinking we should…
Me: (dammit)
My daughter is yelling at Alexa because it doesn’t know a song she made up. This may be the end of their friendship.
Me to my husband: “Don’t worry, he’s only 2, he’ll forget about wanting ice cream for dinner if we don’t bring it up.”
My 2yo: “Behold, mother, there is the exact space Grandma parked in when she drove me to this playground 3 weeks ago; I was clad in my green Stegosaurus shirt”
Me: I won’t eat the brownies until you get home
Brownies: you lied
I was served a subpoena. I distinctly remember ordering a cheeseburger.
A lot of people cry when they chop onions. The trick is not to form an emotional bond.
Nature just builds 30 foot trees. Without even pulling a permit.
My eldest daughter is gifted. Next Christmas she’ll be getting regifted.
Your Hunger Games name is the last injection you got plus the last thing you stepped on. I’m Tetanus Woodscrew
Danke for calling Germany.
To order beer, press 1.
To order weapons, press 2.
To order philosophy, press 1 until it resembles a 2.
♫ Hey there Delilah, this is dispatch please come quickly
There’s a robbery in progress
Suspect is white & in his 50s
And high on gluuue ♫
If the kids can eat chocolate eggs for breakfast, that means I can have Bailey’s in my coffee, right?
Close your eyes. Picture a world without hunger. Open your eyes. I ate your sandwich.
Who exactly is this sign for?
Do they think we’re bringing our own geese?
Welcome to middle age. No one tells you that rigor mortis starts while you’re still alive.
*uses blood from wounds to write my killer’s name on the floor*
I…will be…avenged. NO! BAD DOG! DON’T LICK THAT! DADDY NEEDS JUSTICE!