Your pancakes will never taste as good as the ones your mother made because those pancakes had a secret ingredient, which is that you were six years old.
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I’m about to lose 20 pounds.
*Releases the weight of everyone’s expectations off my shoulders.
On the bright side you only need one more brain cell and you could pass as a plant
I try to avoid things that make me fat, like scales, mirrors, and photographs.
I once banged the Michelin Man…it was tiresome
[the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?
Me: I’ll have a scotch on the rocks with a twist
Bartender slides drink
“Your dad’s alive. He’s hiding in Cuba”M: Did NOT see that coming
“I don’t think we should see each other anymore.”
*turns off lights*
*giggles*
ME: (in prison) Come on man! I know you can bust us out of here!
KOOL-AID MAN: *closes his bible and looks up* I’m not about that life anymore.
me: “no ill just have it here thanks”
bartender: [looks at my wife then back at me]
wife: “on the rocks means with ice keith”
Types of shit:
1) Awe
2) Jack
3) Knee deep in
5) Holy
6) Dip
7) Full of
8) Bull
9) Piece of
10) Happens
11) I don’t give a
[World War One]
Private Hitler: “How can I make this more about me?”
Phantom of the Opera: Oh sure, NOW masks are totally cool.
My suicide notes just keep turning into grocery lists.
check in with your friends but also don’t forget to check in on your enemies. make sure they’re doing bad
i will not be silenced
The dog ate my kid’s snack and now he’s saying “get it back” like I’m Hermione Granger or something
Me, a 40-year-old woman: I really hope I get an A on my daughter’s second grade school project
[taking pregnant wife to hospital ER]
Me: Help! My wife’s having contradictions!
Dr: Don’t you mean contractions?
Wife: Never say never
GPS: turn left onto High Street
Husband: no thanks, I know a longer way.
If I were lost and all I had was a compass I would still be lost.
My son kneed himself on the trampoline.
*black eye forming
Me: Son, we need to come up with a better story than this.
DOCTOR: Yes, stripping to the waist is necessary for this check-up
ME: uh ok. Should I do it too?
DOCTOR [flexing biceps] yeah if you want
The roadside sobriety tests are really getting tough … now you have to name all the Kardashians while folding a fitted sheet.
Dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you both get naked and the societal expectation that women be smaller overwhelms you and the shame u feel about ur body drives you to tears
4: Mama, I’m not feeling so good.
Me: What’s wrong baby girl?
4: I haven’t had spaghetti for so long my stomach misses it. Listen, *puffs up belly* you can hear my tummy cry.
Drew blood trying to take a sexy lip bite pic and now I’m on vampire twitter. So, bye, I guess.
My dog gives me attitude when getting his paws wiped off after being outside. It must be just awful to get rewarded with foot massages just for using the bathroom.
Forget drugs and sex.
Parents please talk to your kids about their grammar and spelling.
*at family function..
*superglues jenga tower
[Adam and Eve in bed]
Adam, am I really the only girl for you?GOD EVE, YOU’RE LITERALLY THE ONLY GIRL ON THE FACE OF THE EARTH