“Your panties are so cute!! Let’s show everyone in the parking lot!!”
– The wind, apparently.
You Might Also Like
My nutritionist told me wine doesn’t count as a fruit source so now I need to find a different nutritionist.
Blew my nose…….lost 2 pounds of mucous and got an ab workout.
The cool thing about robbing a library is that you have two weeks before they notice.
me [sliding my therapist 20$]: so what’s my problem, doctor?
therapist [loudly]: you’re just too good at sex, unbelievably good
hot ikea salesman: ok firstly you can’t do this here, secondly what
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance.” -Alcohol
When people tell me “You’re gonna regret that in the morning” I sleep in til noon, because I’m a problem Solver
i’m the guy who made the vaccine cards slightly bigger than wallet sized
[parole hearing]
“What will u do if released?”
“Kill everyone on the jury.”
“What?”
“Buy everyone jewellery.”
“Aw. Granted.”
“Girl, are you a tree? cause-”
“no i’m not a tree”
“..cause i want-”
“why are you still talking i’m not a tree”
“.. i want t-”
“not a tree”
A roof is a house hat.
Contractor: well it’s not really in an ideal location. Traffic patterns would be a nightmare, you can’t really get in and out of the parking lot easily, and there really wouldn’t be much parking for customers and employees.
Chick-fil-A owner: I’ll take it.
The only recipes they have online are where I’m the one who’s supposed to buy all this stuff and then make it. That’s not what I’m looking for
Once a neighbor kid asked if my dog had any nicknames & I lied & made a bunch up & now whenever I see her she asks how ‘Tree Trunk’ is doing
FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh here comes the tickle monster
[interviewing babysitter]
me: how much do you charge?
ipad:
My 3-year-old gave me a sticker for behaving myself in public. She’s doing a good job of raising her parents.
Me: So how old were you when you hacked your first person?
Friend: 6th grade
Me: Wow, you were good with computers early on in life.
Friend: Computers?
When I sit down and the toilet seat is warm, I like to imagine someone rubbed a freshly baked loaf of bread on it.
Don’t ruin this for me!
Ok, milk… Check!
Potato salad… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
my phone, crying: ..pleaSe… I have no space…. delete some photos… I’m begGing you….
me: *hits download*
The best thing I ever did was install a fake doorbell.
Now no one ever knocks on my door.
depression: you’re not good enough
anxiety: everything is falling apart
Quora: what if a grape hit u while traveling at the speed of sound
People of my generation are always saying that they are shocked how little role quicksand plays in their lives, but I gotta tell you, knowing the difference between a stalagmite and a stalactite has not proved to be as critical as I expected either.
The guy in the stall beside doesn’t know he can shut off his camera shutter…..
was listening to the very hungry caterpillar audiobook in my car and accidentally spent $174.09 at the drive-thru
goals for 2016:
1) spend more time with my son
2) learn about his fav video games
3) defeat him
4) become video game household champion
I really want a Popsicle but I’m so not in the mood for Freezer Jenga.
BREAKING: Polaroid photo taken. More on this story as it develops.
me: I’d like to buy that lady at the end of the bar a drink
judge: no
Real estate agent: You can’t get cell phone calls out here.
Me: We’ll take it.