Your Parents divorced because your Dad didn’t want to put your talentless paintings on the fridge.
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[Dinner with GFs parents]
*Does shadow puppet of a bird*
“Thats great but I asked what you do for a living?”
Um *smooths tie* I’m unemployed
There is no “I” in the word “team,” but I don’t think that means anything about team work. That’s just how it’s spelled.
My spouse must be the most patient person in the world because he waits for me to come home from my 12-hour workday and cook and serve dinner every single day and only complains most days
“lassie i don’t see anyone at the bottom of this well. are you sure-” timmy felt the paws on his back. his eyes widened as he understood…
are there any atheist mantises?
I tried to take a nap but I have a dachshund and a chihuahua.
@hadafewbeers @funTweeters 92 just broke a hip! 🎉
Grocery prices are so bad I could only afford “some purpose” flour.
ROBIN: do you go to church
CATWOMAN: yeah i’m catholic
ROBIN: what’s a holic
*CRASH*
*THUMP*
*SCREAM**Husband runs into bedroom*
H: OHMYGOD ARE YOU OKAY?
Me: Yeah. Just taking off my sports bra.
Interviewer: how would you describe yourself?
Me: verbally, but I’ve also prepared a dance
Maggi is the girlfriend of the food world. It says 2 minutes but never gets ready in less than 20 minutes.
The good news is that my appetite has come back. The bad news is that my appetite has come back.
Keep your friends’ cake
and your enemies’ cake.
Sociophobia is the fear of friends.
Sociophoebea is the fear of just the ditzy one.
[my gf actually turns into a worm]
me: oh my god. it’s ok, i’ll still go out with you
my worm gf: [sees a cool worm wearing a leather jacket] i think we should see other people
Ahh, the joy of being the obsessively punctual guy married to Mrs. Latetoherownfuneral.
Our Summer schedule is now out! No one gets you to the beach faster. Book now.
fleetwood mac implies the existence of fleetwood dennis, fleetwood charlie, fleetwood dee, and fleetwood frank
*changes voicemail recording to “your call cannot be completed as dialed. Please check the number and dial again
dutch so unserious
Why did they call it long distance running and not fardio.
Meanwhile in Portland…
Adulthood is leaving the house, then two minutes later try to remember whether you locked the front door.
So the US is to send 3000 troops to help combat ebola.
Does anyone else get the feeling they don’t know what ebola is?
Proud of my 9yo, who took 9 whole years to learn where we keep the dish towels.
Why do drugs after 30 when you can just stand up too fast?
[at art museum]
Security: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Me: It needs more yellow
An amish party in the desert called churning man.
My neighbors got so weird when I asked how many bodies they thought were buried in their yard. I meant roughly, not like an exact number.