Your parents taught you to wash your hands after you pee. My parents taught me not to pee on my hands in the first place.
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My wife just texted to tell me that she killed a spider all by herself, get my union rep on the phone, stat.
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
A funny thing I like to do is yell ‘God, not your WHOLE hand’ when the doctor does a pelvic exam.
If you’re boarding first, dress casually. It’s no good unless everyone at the gate is surprised.
I’m getting to the age where I could be a cougar, but Wikipedia says cougars are “slender and agile” which pretty much rules that out.
What do you call a Mexican who lost his car?
Carlos.
The sound that tennis players make but I’m just picking my socks up off the floor.
[intercom]
Please stop putting clown shoes on the sacrificial goat. The ritual is in 3 days & the other cults aren’t taking us seriously.
7: there were 5 cupcakes when I left and now there are 3. Did you eat 2?!
Me: suddenly now you can do math
If you’re going to flirt with me while I’m selling raffle tickets,
you had better buy a damn raffle ticket.
“It’s terminal-”
GOD! HOW LONG DO I HAVE?
“Departure time is in three hours.”
THREE? WHAT DO I DO?
“This is an airport.”
SO WHAT? I’M DYING!
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
If pizza places cold called people’s homes and asked if they wanted to order a pizza, I guarantee you their business would triple.
Remind the demons under your bed that you’re the landlord, raise the rent.
ME: Who is Taylor Swift’s song “We Are Never Getting Back Together” about?
DOCTOR: I meant questions about the vaccine
gf: that guy hit on me, make him pay
me: [to guy] u need to buy our drinks
Dated this guy who took me to his parents Christmas party. They put out a punch bowl and I threw my date’s and his dad’s car keys in it
Me: Bob, it’s pronounced CHANGING, not a-changin’.
Bob Dylan: ?
Me: Can someone teach Bob to say CHANGE?
*David Bowie stands up*
Me: Not you
I’m like that guy at the beginning of infomercials that is unable to do simple shit, i just burns everything and i cant figure out blankets.
Husband: Where are Girl Scout cookies?
Me: We were robbed.
Husband: They only took the cookies?
Me: Well, that and the vase your mom gave us for the holidays. Weird, right?
[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: What kind of body do you want to have?
ME: *leans in close* I’d prefer human
I love it when people say “you’re going to miss these days,” like parenting toddlers isn’t an absolute hostage situation.
Panic buying, kids off school, businesses shutting down, stuck in the house with your family for days on end…
It’s basically shitty Christmas.
How about the people in fast food commercials look like they actually eat fast food?
I’m a failure as a sociopath. I’m just not very good at manipulating and taking advantage of people. I’m more of a so-sopath.
Just want to be bitten by a spider without the obligation of becoming a superhero.
Being held captive can’t be all bad. At least you’re being held.
I hate it when my husband starts tossing around unnecessary words like “budget” & “shopaholic.”
When your girlfriend is PMS’ing, cheer her up by showing her that “totally weird” text you got from your ex last night.
“funeral” and “badminton” should just swap their first 3 letters