@dave_cactus ME: I’ll have the chicken dinner.
WAITER: Yes, sir. *throws corn on the floor* Here, chick chick chick.
ME: *pecks at the ground* Excellent.
@Beerbastard69 Your parents taught you to wash your hands after you pee. My parents taught me not to pee on my hands in the first place.
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@dave_cactus 
@chairkeyre 
@Reverend_Scott And on the 8th day, God created atheists and said, “Oh man, you’re not gonna believe this.”
@Drivelodeon If you need anything you can call me any time of the day or night. I won’t answer and my ringer will be off, so it won’t bother me at all.
@Burger_Time_ ppl always judge adam & eve for listening to the talking serpent but u never hear a single person say anything about dr doolittle
@blueeyesgreene Every time I go through airport security I’m terrified that I accidentally packed a bomb.
@Dil_Tron I dont mean to sound racist, but why is my baby black?
*doctor sighs for like 3 mins*
“Sir, its an ultrasound”
*Seinfeld bass riff for days*
@AlisonAgosti If Jesus died for our sins then why are there so many popups when i try to watch a movie online illegally
@un_d_ciphered If I say “Good point. Thank you.” to your inane, mind-numbing reply, I’ve already hired a hitman who can’t be traced back to myself.
@UncleDuke1969 I saw an image of the Virgin Mary on a pumpkin!
It squashed all of my doubts…
And, reinforced my faith in Gourd.