@Beerbastard69

Your parents taught you to wash your hands after you pee. My parents taught me not to pee on my hands in the first place.

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@dave_cactus

ME: I’ll have the chicken dinner.
WAITER: Yes, sir. *throws corn on the floor* Here, chick chick chick.
ME: *pecks at the ground* Excellent.

@Reverend_Scott

And on the 8th day, God created atheists and said, “Oh man, you’re not gonna believe this.”

@Drivelodeon

If you need anything you can call me any time of the day or night. I won’t answer and my ringer will be off, so it won’t bother me at all.

@Burger_Time_

ppl always judge adam & eve for listening to the talking serpent but u never hear a single person say anything about dr doolittle

@blueeyesgreene

Every time I go through airport security I’m terrified that I accidentally packed a bomb.

@Dil_Tron

I dont mean to sound racist, but why is my baby black?
*doctor sighs for like 3 mins*
“Sir, its an ultrasound”
*Seinfeld bass riff for days*

@AlisonAgosti

If Jesus died for our sins then why are there so many popups when i try to watch a movie online illegally

@un_d_ciphered

If I say “Good point. Thank you.” to your inane, mind-numbing reply, I’ve already hired a hitman who can’t be traced back to myself.

@UncleDuke1969

I saw an image of the Virgin Mary on a pumpkin!

It squashed all of my doubts…

And, reinforced my faith in Gourd.