ME: I’ll have the chicken dinner.
WAITER: Yes, sir. *throws corn on the floor* Here, chick chick chick.
ME: *pecks at the ground* Excellent.
Your parents taught you to wash your hands after you pee. My parents taught me not to pee on my hands in the first place.
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And on the 8th day, God created atheists and said, “Oh man, you’re not gonna believe this.”
If you need anything you can call me any time of the day or night. I won’t answer and my ringer will be off, so it won’t bother me at all.
ppl always judge adam & eve for listening to the talking serpent but u never hear a single person say anything about dr doolittle
Every time I go through airport security I’m terrified that I accidentally packed a bomb.
I dont mean to sound racist, but why is my baby black?
*doctor sighs for like 3 mins*
“Sir, its an ultrasound”
*Seinfeld bass riff for days*
If Jesus died for our sins then why are there so many popups when i try to watch a movie online illegally
If I say “Good point. Thank you.” to your inane, mind-numbing reply, I’ve already hired a hitman who can’t be traced back to myself.
I saw an image of the Virgin Mary on a pumpkin!
It squashed all of my doubts…
And, reinforced my faith in Gourd.