Your password doesn’t remember you either. He moved on. He’s someone else’s password now.
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Lint Bizkit #LaundrySongsAndBands
“I’d love to go to the moon” I said “but on a full moon day of course, no point going all that way when only half of it’s there”
Mans got denied a plate and walked off. 😂😂😂
BUILDING INSPECTOR: This building is not structurally sound
ARCHITECT: why
BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well first of all it’s made of paper
ARCHITECT: Yeah construction paper!
A simple turtleneck can hide all manner of candy necklaces.
Babysitting is a way for teenagers to feel like adults while adults go out to feel like teenagers.
Real sentence from a press release in my inbox: “Donald Trump lives, works, eats and employs people of all races and religions.”
Greeting card
[cover] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s
[inside] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
Cashier: Smile!
Me: Worry about your own face.
Caesar: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus: We told you not to wear Crocs.
Physics Teacher: What is
this measurable unit “µ”
called? Student : Torrent
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
I love birthdays! My boyfriend rented a special hotel room for us to fight in.
I asked my boyfriend what he wanted for his birthday and he said 20 dollars
Waiter: What dressing would you like on your salad?
Me: Ice cream
[scene of car accident]
bystander: is your baby ok
me: no he’s a complete jerk
Had to turn the heat on this morning, so of course I’ve started playing Christmas music.
*climbing on massage table*
Me: Okay so here’s the thing, I don’t like to be touched
Ok doc, give it to me straight.
“It’s cancer”
How bad?
“Really bad, you have 2 months.”
OMG
“APRIL FOOLS!”
Whew-
“You have 2 days.”
i trust rabbits implicitly. they wouldn’t let just anybody have ears like that
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
I’m vegan now but I’m still gonna eat eight spiders a year on cheat days
DOG BOSS: Any messages for me?
DOG ASSISTANT: just one from Mr. Agoodboy
DOG BOSS: who’s Agoodboy?
DOG ASSISTANT: *tail starts wagging*
Thank you corporation very cool
[roommate watching me after my gf leaves] just tell her. she probably loves hair
[me taking off bald cap] im in too deep now
Who called it a Spanish teacher instead of an instruction Manuel?
Giving someone a Christmas card is like saying, “Hey I spent $0.99 on this and signed it, can you throw it away for me?”
M: What do you want for dinner?
H: I don’t care, you decide
M: Sushi?
H: No, but whatever.
M: Mexican?
H: Nah, but your call.He’s dead now
Just overheard at the library:
“This is a place of learning. I don’t understand why shoes are required!”