Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Whats the deal with all this airline food?”

-Sharks in Malaysia

[La Brea Tarpits]

ME: *gesturing for tour members* the stegosaurus was the calzone of dinosaur times

SECURITY: sir, hang on to the life hook or you’ll sink like your Segway

[presses every button in elevator] here’s how Michael Bay ruined the ninja turtles

Reaction when you try to get out of plans but the person keeps rescheduling so you can make it.

batman: I protect the innocent, the helpless, the people with no one left to save them

alfred: right

batman: also need you to make another costume, I adopted an angsty orphan and wanna send him to fight an insane clown

In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the person’s likes and dislikes. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.

You told your cat how much you love him, but now it’s morning, the sun is out, you’re sober, and it’s just weird for both of you.

“So we kill a tree”
Ok
“And put it inside our house”
Nice
“Then we hang up some socks”
I’m with ya
“And then we drink egg milk punch”
What

Them: Are you single?

Me, stuffing food in my face: Oh no. I’m at least a double. Probably a king sized

Never be afraid to acknowledge your accomplishments

Who’s the idiot that called it “The Wizard of Oz” and not “The Flair Witch Project”?

Getting pretty tired of Vin Diesel hopping into the passenger seat yelling “PUNCH IT” when I am just trying to eat my lunch alone in my car

I love it when I see an old friend I haven’t seen in years and pretend to not see them

If you don’t have one final pee, “for the road,” are you even over 40?

*Child putting on clothes very slowly while singing*
Me: You really need to hurry up – we’re going to be late.
*Child starts singing faster*

Apparently it’s “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.

Our son came home one day with
a note from his first grade teacher:

Your son bit another boy today.
Is he getting enough to eat at home ?

Video Games in the 80s: Run! Jump! Eat this flower! Collect the coins!

Video Games Now: You are a broken man, haunted by the choices you’ve made. You do not fear the sweet embrace of death, but you still have unfinished business.

💀💀💀💀

At the grocery store, buying 6 of the same item

Cashier: Are these good?

Me: No. I’m buying all of them just to save others from suffering

If ex asks you to go bungee jumping remember, cord goes around feet not neck, no matter what they tell you.

If both of my middle fingers are blown off in a fireworks accident I’ll never be able to drive again.

Dating tip: Photoshop yourself into some of her selfies. Women love guys who are good with computers.

My wife was doing her morning crossword and asked…

“Where is Dakar” And I answered… “in da garage”.

Congrats to my tween for graduating at the top of his class from eye roll university.

No self-respecting murderer is going to have the patience to stand there for the twenty or thirty hours it’ll take me to dig my own grave.

I’m a big Kate Bush fan, and thanks to her I’ve just discovered a fascinating historical drama series called Stranger Things, all about youngsters in America a long time ago.

Bad credit? No credit? First time buyer? First time baby? No legs? 8 legs? You a spider? Are you a Spider trying to buy a house?

kidnapper: we have your son

dad: his fault for staying out all night

kidnapper: we took him from his bedroom

dad: well he probably wasn’t in bed like he shoulda been

kidnapper: he was

dad: on his phone probably

kidnapper: fast asleep

dad: i guarantee you he was faking it

Me: Delete it!

Nightclub security: [rewatching the tape of a girl rolling the collar of my turtleneck up over my head while I’m talking to her] Lol never.