@Rollmaninoz

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@Super_Cynthia

I sleep with my clothes on and one eye open. Not because I’m scared, but my zipper is broken and I’ve had too much botox on one side.

@simoncholland

Let’s get married and have kids so instead of enjoying coffee in the morning you can braid hair while I pack lunches and we can all be late.

@UnFitz

“Easy like Sunday morning” implies that Sunday is the most sexually promiscuous day of the week.

Sunday, slutty Sunday.

@TheCiscoKidder

I don’t understand why people want a sandwich after sex. I just want my money back.

@SheMightHave

Oh my God. You try to run him over one time, and he never lets you forget it.

@ristolable

I had a teacher in high school who always assumed we’d give the wrong answer.
“What’s hotter, green or red peppers?”
Green
“Nope. Green.”

@TheTweetOfGod

Instead of looking for things that divide you look for things that bring you together, like the way you all look for things that divide you.