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“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”
Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw
Every escape room should have a planted person that makes hotter/colder faces when somebody has an idea.
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
“I’m not that kind of girl.”
~That kind of girl
If I was a little smarter I’d be aware of how stupid I am.
My google search history is just 12 different incorrect spellings of the word “restaurant.”
Not to brag, but I can spend hours coming up with reasons not to do something that takes 5 minutes.
I say “Andrea” you say “Aun-dray-uh” and that’s why nobody likes you, Andrea.
WIFE: wtf did u spend $13,000 on at walmart?
ME: [brushing my zebra] he just walked by the scanner and i couldn’t put him back
Me: Do you like being right-handed?
Hubby: Umm, sure… why?
Me: Take another one of my fries again and see…
Don’t cry because it’s over. Cry because you’re just a head in a jar in some science lab.
If a server comes to my table and asks ‘hows everythin tasting?’ mid chew I like to grab their wrist and keep them there until I can answer
Which sounds more foreboding, Impending Doom or Imminent Demise, I want this wedding toast to be memorable.
Adam: hey this is amazing we’re the first people ever, can you belEVE it lol
Eve: oh right, you like puns
Adam: have you EDEN dinner yet lmao
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to this shady looking snake
[Uncle Sam opening gifts at his July 4 birthday celebration]
*sigh* another stars and stripes top hat
“i have good news & bad news”
wife: bad news 1st
“the washing machine broke”
wife: and the good news?
“the dogs are clean AF”
UK English: colour, realise, marvellous
US English: color, realize, marvelous
Canadian English: All of the above are correct. We will use both in the same article and its useless to try and stop us, spellcheck softwares.
Teenager grumpily walks into the kitchen rubbing her eyes.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry, did me making my lunch at 11 AM disturb your slumber?
Me: I’m gonna search the periodic table for relief from my cramps haha get it?
Him: Actually there are elements that can help. Magnesium for example is calming and-
Me: What’s the symbol for arsenic?
wife: we can barely pay bills this month, we need to make sacrifices
me: ok, let’s start tomorrow
[next day]
me: [holding severed goat head] honey i’m home
wife: OMG [holds up a 2nd goat head] JINX!
Sometimes your ankle takes a vacation while you’re walking.
[reincarnated as a giant squid at the bottom of the ocean] i did something right
Selfies are just sad reminders that you have no friends willing to take pictures of your face and cleavage.
[1st date]
waiter: can I bring you anything?
her: maybe some Worcestersh–
me: BESTERshire please! Nothing’s too good for–
her: and the check
I often wish for the easy clarity that stupidity provides.
French toast is just bread that bathes in milk like some pampered Egyptian queen.
Instead of getting annoyed, that stranger should have thanked me for tweezing his unruly ear hair.
When a guy jokes about pms, you need to laugh along to show you’re a cool chick, but hold the laugh too long- so he gets scared.
Whenever my dachshund acts up I show him a pack of hotdogs in my fridge and he falls right back into line
I illegally download music, but only Metallica.
They seem to be pretty cool about it.