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I sleep with my clothes on and one eye open. Not because I’m scared, but my zipper is broken and I’ve had too much botox on one side.


Let’s get married and have kids so instead of enjoying coffee in the morning you can braid hair while I pack lunches and we can all be late.


“Easy like Sunday morning” implies that Sunday is the most sexually promiscuous day of the week.

Sunday, slutty Sunday.


I don’t understand why people want a sandwich after sex. I just want my money back.


Oh my God. You try to run him over one time, and he never lets you forget it.


I had a teacher in high school who always assumed we’d give the wrong answer.
“What’s hotter, green or red peppers?”
“Nope. Green.”


Instead of looking for things that divide you look for things that bring you together, like the way you all look for things that divide you.