Your password must include 5 minutes of interpretive dance, 15 excerpts from contemporary fiction and 1 word made up by Shakespeare.
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funerals wayyyy too expensive. y’all throw me in an airfryer when it’s my time
There are no atheists in the passenger seat when I drive.
Hello consequences, my actions went that way.
Her: you’re in no state to drive
Me: Jesus will take the wheel
Jesus: can’t… drunk
Me: but you were only ordering water all night
Jesus: *tries to wink at camera*
Me: Come on eat that.
Miss 10: I don’t want it, it makes me want to throw up.
[Sees my face].
10: In a good way.
Quit coffee and now I’m like one of those fish at the bottom of the ocean that use antennae to find their way through the dark.
I can eat anything in the house unless it was specifically bought for my wife but the only way to know it’s for her is to eat it. Apparently
The Reacher guy looks like an 11 year old boy after getting 3 wishes from a genie
As everyone was arguing about politics, no one saw me leave with the pecan pie.
Word of advice.
If you forget to put on deodorant, sneaking into the walk-in freezer at work and holding your shirt up doesn’t solve the problem.
Also that creepy coworker will get even more creepier if you forget to close the door behind you.
Die Hard (1988):A cop stops terrorists in a building
Therapist:Sounds cool but lets discuss how ur parents named u the title/year of a movie
WebMD: you have all the diseases
Dark WebMD: and here’s how to spread them
c’mon!
“Can I pet your dog?”
“Sure, but he can be aggressive.”
[He pushes a pamphlet about the dangers of gluten towards me with his nose]
I want this Valentines Day to be special. Just give me a hint. Tell me what will make you happy. I’ll do anything.
*me, talking to my dogs
[trying to do standup]
u kno whats funy–
[someone yells ‘society!’]
nno–
[entire audience starts laughig]
wait
[audience laughs louder]
stop
don’t ask me “what dat mouth do?” if you’re not prepared to hear it burp the alphabet.
Now this is how you LinkedIn
Made a dermatology appt for a really weird mole I’d never seen. It was a burned crumb of pizza crust that fell down my shirt. So anyway, I ate it and called my eye doctor.
At my age getting up early just means that I had to go pee and I couldn’t hold it anymore.
My younger brother has a PhD in material engineering, and I do stand up comedy which to be fair is also material engineering
But is it really??
Hey I got your text but then I died, I’ll probably like resurrect when we accidentally run into each other though
She hadn’t made a milkshake in years for fear that they would return.
She starts the blender reluctantly.
In the distance, screams.
The boys had returned. They were coming to her yard.
I start, but can rarely complete my paintings and sculptures, for I am a master of the partial arts.
“Oh boy, what a day of having sex with real women,” I yell too loud while passing my microwave.
I’m not only the woman your Mother warned you about, I’m the one your Father highly recommended.
You’re technically never cheated on you were just in a surprise polyamorous relationship
If your wife walks in and turns the light on while you’re staring at the ceiling, make sure you yell “My eyes!” BEFORE she starts changing
Is “asking for a friend” just a way people can nonchalantly ask a question while making it seem like someone else asked? Asking for a friend