Your perfume/cologne should reward someone for getting close, not punish them for being in the same building.
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me: push!
wife: [in labor] I AM
me: push harder!!
wife: I CAN’T
me: oh my bad [opens door to delivery room] it says pull
You think the nativity guys ever hung out again. having beers like haha remember when we saw that baby
I’ve never been donkey-kicked in the face before, but I have walked past my teenage son who just applied “one spray” of cologne, so same.
What doesn’t kill you is coming back later with spiders.
It’s easy to blind someone with science. All you need is a good throwing arm, the proper wind direction, and a little sulfuric acid.
Listerine, for when you feel like killing all 10,000 taste buds at once.
Dear diary, although he was a malevolent killer, the headless horseman was really well dressed. My emotions about this are confusing.
One of my biggest fears is going to America and asking for a biscuit only to be presented with some weird scone type thing and gravy
ME: Whoa, these people are hardcore Goths
CORONER: How many times do I have to tell you that they’re corpses, you’re looking at corpses
No, honey, you aren’t a “hot mess” or a “beautiful disaster”.
You are a psycho with mascara.
everyone: IT WAS COLD OUT THIS MORNING BUT NOW ITS WARM! WHATEVER SHALL WE DO?
me: finally *slowly unzipping my khakis at the knee so they become shorts* now is my time to shine
If you’re looking for a good place to buy a Blackberry, I’d suggest 2006.
New neighbor: Hi. It’s nice to meet you.
Me: It’s nice to meet you too. This is my daughter, 9
Neighbor: What’s your Twitter @
Me: DAMMIT
FWD: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: THE DOGS HAVE LEARNED HOW TO EMAIL THIS IS YOUR DOG HELLO SUSAN
“We’ll call you” – OH NO
“You call us” – OH NO
Me: And this small habitat is home to over 90% of the world’s bacteria
*tourists taking photos*
Me: Any questions? Yes. You there
Son: If you get these people to leave I’ll clean my room
I don’t have friends with ugly babies mostly because I believe in honesty
*watching The Revenant*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*Him: What are you doing?
Me: Taking notes for when I fight a bear.
I don’t like to say something is “strong enough to kill a horse” because I have horses and I’ve had to call a vet twice because a horse “swallowed hay wrong.”
Me: get out, it’s my turn in the hedge now you’ve been hogging it way too long
Hedgehog: no
A table tale✨
#TheRingsOfPower
i dont understand how humans can land on the moon but also sometimes a snake gets loose from the zoo like are we good at things or not
My dog just ate one of my earbuds gonna blast metal until I get it back
I sexually identify as the toaster you want to bathe with.
*lights a joint*
Woah, fire! Ow! My elbow!
[Dentist chair]
Him: Lie back and open wide
Me: At least buy me dinner first
Him: *sigh* Please don’t tweet this
Me: *typing* Too late
BOSS: due to the virus we need everybody to work from home
ME: please, i have a family
me: sorry, but 40 is NOT too old to date!
wife: this has nothing to do with your age
ME: What do you recommend? It’s our anniversary
WAITRESS AT WAFFLE HOUSE: You should try a waffle
My godmother just saw my tweet about sending naked pictures, and she was so excited she posted it to Facebook and tagged my parents. What a time to be alive.