The best revenge is living well, so I really need to know what the second best revenge is.
‘Your place or mine?’
Is the sexiest response to the question:
‘Where shall we bury the body?’
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bank robber: everyone on the ground and drop whatever is in your hands!!
me: [holding a $9 Starbucks coffee, a tear rolls down my cheek] no
Lmaooo she has seen it all😭😭😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
[seconds after I am done vacuuming the entire house]
My Dog: I LOVE YOU AND I HAVE BROUGHT YOU THE ENTIRE LAWN AND SO MANY LEAVES!
When my new neighbor dies, I’m going to hire the same tree removal service he has outside my window right now to work during his burial.
In Hell, you cannot peel off the colors on a Rubik’s Cube to solve it
When people ask me why I’m “confined” to a wheelchair, it makes it sound like a prison sentence. I want to say something like, “I ate too many free samples at Costco. I’ll be out in seven months.”
I’ve stopped trying to explain twitter to my friends and now just say,”I collect tiny imaginary people in my phone using jokes as bait.”
We have to operate now
if the cancer spreads anymore you won’t be able to tell the difference between people & food
“Are you nuts?”
I date men whom have their life paths laid out firmly and don’t waver.
Yes, their paths are Psycho and Socio, but consistency is admirable.