@InigoUnleashed

‘Your place or mine?’

Is the sexiest response to the question:

‘Where shall we bury the body?’

You Might Also Like

@RandomAntics

The best revenge is living well, so I really need to know what the second best revenge is.

@PhriendlyCody

bank robber: everyone on the ground and drop whatever is in your hands!!

me: [holding a $9 Starbucks coffee, a tear rolls down my cheek] no

@Pork_Chop_Hair

[seconds after I am done vacuuming the entire house]

My Dog: I LOVE YOU AND I HAVE BROUGHT YOU THE ENTIRE LAWN AND SO MANY LEAVES!

@ChefRonSullivan

When my new neighbor dies, I’m going to hire the same tree removal service he has outside my window right now to work during his burial.

@envydatropic

In Hell, you cannot peel off the colors on a Rubik’s Cube to solve it

@Rollinintheseat

When people ask me why I’m “confined” to a wheelchair, it makes it sound like a prison sentence. I want to say something like, “I ate too many free samples at Costco. I’ll be out in seven months.”

@UrAvgDegenerate

I’ve stopped trying to explain twitter to my friends and now just say,”I collect tiny imaginary people in my phone using jokes as bait.”

@CornOnTheGoblin

We have to operate now
if the cancer spreads anymore you won’t be able to tell the difference between people & food
“Are you nuts?”
Dear God

@SondraDeeMe

I date men whom have their life paths laid out firmly and don’t waver.
Yes, their paths are Psycho and Socio, but consistency is admirable.