‘Your place or mine?’
Is the sexiest response to the question:
‘Where shall we bury the body?’
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I thought we had something. You met my family, made me dinner, called me honey. Now suddenly you’re a “waitress” who was “doing her job?”
*donates body to science*
Science: “I have a boyfriend”
You do you.
I’m gonna do me.
*married sex
I ate a piece of chocolate and thought I found a crumb of it on my laptop keyboard and ate it but it was a bug so that wasn’t ideal.
The doctor removes the stethoscope from your chest. He seems flustered. “Well, it still sounds like moaning and the rattle of chains in a deep stone hole.”
He hands you a small wooden chest filled with rusty old keys. “Just keep swallowing these until one works.”
I was sitting there getting my hair cut, when a spider ran across the floor.
And that’s how you accidentally get bangs.
I had dreams. I wanted to be the heiress on the terrace. Instead I’m the grouch on the couch.
Started out with a kiss how did it end up like this?
CDC: I thought we were pretty clear.
This pandemic has gone on for so long, I can’t even remember the last time I touched a doorknob or any kind of knob for that matter.
People say “you’ll ruin your appetite” like I have to be hungry to eat.
Today I will be hosting a book sale until the librarians notice
Me: *wakes up to pee at 4:30*
My brain: Oh good, you’re awake!
Dance like theres no tomorrow OH MY GOD THERES NO TOMORROW WHY ARE WE DANCING
When someone asks you “what is it that you like about me?”
“You’re gluten-free” isn’t the answer they want to hear.
<at a baptism>
*leans over*
Me:What’s the WiFi password?
Him:Jesus Christ, dude!
Me:That makes sense….is it case sensitive?
*playing Mortal Kombat*
Her: Can I try?
Me: Sure.
Her: Which one of them shoots that Handookie thingie?
Me: Hadouken?
Her: Yea.
Me: Leave.
[street]
ME: “What if I park here?”
PARKING OFFICER: *writing a ticket* “Fine by me”
My signature move at family dinners is waiting for someone to put their drink down at the table & then moving it when they go to the buffet.
All I’m saying is the babysitters club made me think taking care of kids would be a lot more fun
I am not mature enough for this many work emails to be going back and forth about an incoming hot load
Friend: Where do you get your sense of humor?
Me: My dad. But don’t say that to him.
F: Why not?
Me: He gets really mad.
Me: I can’t even tell you how much I hate people.
Twitter: Yes you can.
I could save myself a whole bunch of time if I could just remember to take the cap off of my lip balm before using hand lotion.
I like my men like I like my coffee: encouraging my bowel movements
When your name is Jenn & people think it’s short for Jennifer, but it’s really short for Jennatalia.
me: never meet your heroes
also me: hello cincinnati zoo?
yes fiona the hippo please
how do I gracefully leave this party early but also take the queso dip with me
Why do people say raw sewage. Saying raw makes it sound like it becomes better if cooked properly.
Kids are so dumb u think Santa’s elves made that PS4 yeah right like Sony would ever let that happen learn basic copyright law u lil shits
My son just came and asked me to help him with his history project and I really feel like he’s taking a BIG chance on me considering what happened when I tried to help him with his math homework. Here goes nothing.