Your “poetic” tweets would be so much better if Adele hadn’t thought of them first
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There are two versions of every story and the drunk one is usually the better one
Immortality would suck. I don’t want to spend the next 800 years trying to explain Gangnam Style to my great-grandfather.
God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm
Penguin: got it
God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost
Kangaroo: Love it
God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best
Bird: wait, what?
The male mayfly, living for just 1 day, has only 12 hours to become successful enough to buy a sports car, get hair plugs, and start sleeping with his secretary.
Screamed from the other room for somebody to bring me toilet paper only to be ignored.
Olive Garden wasn’t lying. When you’re here, you really are family.
Asking for a donation like Wikipedia every time someone asks me a question
Her: What are you thinking about right now?
Me: If I was an eel I’d have a little fish that lived in my mouth and I’d never need to floss
At this point, a nurse could tell me my blood pressure was 700 over clown shoes and I still wouldn’t know if that’s good or bad.
me: I challenge you to a fish fight
them: you mean fist fight?
Me: [gently putting bass knuckles on my best goldfish Reginald] no
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires.
So, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly.
defendant: *into mic* um can I say something?
defense attorney: NO!
judge: NO!
ghost of dead lawyer: NO!
random stranger: NO!
defendant’s family in courtroom: NO!
prosecutor: YES!!
It’s said that it takes 43 muscles to frown, but only 17 to smile which is why my face is ripped as hell
I have a splitting headache today.
Voldemort must be back from the dead and attempting to kill me.
After watching a movie you can find interviews, commentaries, trivia. When you finish a book there’s one thread from 2014 asking if the author has apologized for their inaccurate portrayal of arthritis.
After bragging I could eat hot curry to be cool, the football Christmas dinner was at an Indian restaurant. I ordered the vindaloo, after a few minutes I was in tears. I grabbed my phone and pretended to take a call, standing up I said, “My dogs died” and walked out.
Today I learned you can use disposable
masks to brew espresso.That’s because they’re coughy filters.
If Kim delivered food is she a Doordashian?
A plastic surgery slogan:
Because You Don’t Have A Good Personality Either
I now realize that my mom did not actually have eyes in the back of her head. She just did as I do, randomly yell out “stop it” every 30 min
This is not me but this is me
Come over for dinner. I’m making a big deal out of nothing.
One time I spent Christmas with an exes family and they asked if I’d ever seen A Charlie Brown Christmas, and I said “no, I’m allergic to peanuts” and nobody got the joke and her mom spent all week avoiding putting nuts in stuff and we broke up like 3 weeks later. Carry on.
When I complained to Amazon about a missing parcel and they asked me to send photographic evidence.
These doctor forms keep asking how often I fall down…
…it’s like they’ve been tailing me.
*gestures to my unmown yard*
“I’m choosing to let my yard grow wild, to help the pollinators.”
*waves at a stack of dirty dishes*
“This, too, is for the pollinators.”
*trips over a pile of dirty laundry”
“Pollinators.”
I’m always disappointed when I board a plane and there’s no handsome man running after me to stop me. Thanks, hollywood.
If you’re using YOLO to justify doing something stupid, remember you only DIE once too.
Inspirational tweet.
law professor: you’re currently failing your ethics class
me: *slides a $20 across the desk* how about now
The new iPhone 7 is just a slower, heavier, thicker, and much less attractive version of the iPhone 8.
“It’s too late. You can’t stop it now.”
– Every villain in every single movie moments before the hero stops them now