your poor choice of wiper speed is stressing me out
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Told my doctor I would lose 10 pounds in three months. That was three months ago and now I have 18 hours to lose 9¾ pounds.
One time i saw a man eat a whole apple, core and everything. Motherboard and power supply too. The man ate a computer it was horrifying
My 7YO was coloring in her room on her desk, now I’m wiping off the paint from every part of the house
Cyndi Lauper: “Girls just want to have fun.”
Me: “Some of us just want eight hours of uninterrupted sleep.”
Me: *grimacing* Something stinks. Where’s that smell coming from?
Friend: My oven.
Suit: It says here you’re “dramatic” and “nonsensical”?
Me [forward somersault, grabs resume]: Sorry that’s a typo, it should say “sandpaper pickles”.
“This is so relaxing, better than going out”, she thought as she did her own pedicure balanced on one leg like a flamingo.
Ah, I see my old arch nemesis, the bottom of the bottle, has arrived.
[cocktail party]
Me: [swirls brandy]
Brandy: PUT ME DOWN
Her: Sorry I’m late to work. I was talking to my husband and he wouldn’t stop listening.
If you’re religious, you get to confess your sins.
If you’re not, you get to enjoy them.
[sees old lady drop $20]
Devil on Shoulder: Grab her cash!
Devil on other Shoulder: And push her over!
How to Get a Girlfriend: Out at Sea
Me: *rocks boat*
Her: Hey!
Me: *rocks faster*
Her: Can we PLEASE go steady?
Me: I do.
#Caturday
Politician: I love democracy!
Me: I’m voting for The other candidate.
Politician: not like that
I think I accidentally became a nun:
✅ not banging
✅ may have inadvertently taken a vow of poverty
✅ loves long dresses
✅ has a lot of habits
Ways to know a guy at the bar wants to take you home:
1. He talks to you.
2. He buys you a drink.
3. That drink makes you REALLY sleepy.
Tax tip: Even if it’s true, never list your dog as head of household. They’ll roll over under audit.
Jeff: I’m from New Jersey
Geoff: I’m from New Georsey
[first date]
Date: I like bad boys, and sensitive guys
Me: [slowly uncovers Golden Girls tattoo]
I bet when spiders see those fake green cob webs on Halloween they must be like “Ugh, tourists”.
“IS THERE A DOCTOR ON THE PLANE???”
[i stand up super fast & knock myself out on the luggage compartment, requiring another doctor]
[coronavirus pandemic diary]
Day 3: I’ve not had sex in 6 months
[last supper]
judas: this could’ve been an email
Tried new pain medication, and an hour later 3 penguins in military fatigues walked into the room and told me I need to kill Mussolini’s cat
ME: *pleased* Honey, I folded the dishes.
WIFE:
M:
W: The laundry.
M: No the dish…
W:
M:
W: What?
M: We need new dishes.
Sick of people calling me “The Jigsaw Killer.” Sure, I kill people. I also like jigsaw puzzles. But those two things don’t define me
JUDGE: so u plan to plead insanity?
ME: let me double-check with my counsel
*A googly-eyed sock puppet whispers in my ear*
ME: yes ur honor