“Your present is too big and weirdly shaped to wrap. Oh! What if I buried it in the yard?!” -me, genuinely, earlier today. Wife said no.
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I’ll believe corporations are people when Texas executes one.
bank account: $1400
me to a girl scout: give me the thick mints
Doctor: your test came back, it isn’t good
Me: am I going to die?
Doctor: without treatment, yes
Me: I’ll do anything, what’s the cure?
Doctor: you just need to eat black licorice
Me: *grabbing my coat* I’ll see you in hell
A couple in Halifax got married during hurricane Fiona. The bouquet toss lasted a few hours but eventually someone caught it in Moncton.
Forgot the word ‘flyswatter’ so I just called it a death spatula
*feels the music*
Music: “ew. no.”
If I die before I wake, I died doing what I loved.
Gold fish don’t like being pulled out of their tank for a cuddle.
“Camping” – noun:
when you create a late night picnic for the hungry animals in a field with you being the meaty snack
Sheep
I’d like to thank the people who buy the gift bags. Because of you, I have never had to buy a gift bag. Thank you, from the bottom of my large gift bag filled with smaller gift bags.
Whoever has my voodoo doll, please pull it’s hand out of its pants.
local news anchors be like “dry cleaners robbed. more as it unfolds” or “priceless da Vinci stolen. details are sketchy” or “pool hall tables vandalized. cops have just scratched the surface” or “building elevator plunges. residents feel shafted” or “
Deep thought: When turkey police draw chalk outlines around the body do they notice how much it looks like a human hand?
Them: Pain is just weakness leaving the body!
Me: Yes, but also sometimes pain is just last night’s extra hot burrito leaving the body too!!
Me: Hi.
Girl: No.
realizing i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
Describe yourself in four bold words and two exclamation points
Me:
My 5yo son at a cookout, “Where are the scrambled eggs?”
I encourage my kids to do well in school so I don’t have to meet with their teachers.
[new hire intro]
BOSS: this is Jim. You’ve been here how long Jim?
JIM: next year will be 10 years
ME: *rising from my cubicle* so 9 years
My 8-year-old has been explaining his video game to me since 2003
“You will feel a little pressure but no pain…”
~Doctors or dentists about to hurt you bad
If you ever feel shitty about mispronouncing a word you’ve never used in speech, then know that nothing could be worse than the way I said ‘banal’ in front of an entire company
[me reaching to adjust my Nest thermostat]
Thermostat: Just what do you think you are you doing Dave?
“As CEO of Tortoise Enterprises, this merger with Slug Corp is… Linda, where is everyone?”
“They all called to say they’re running late”
Sounds like a bargain
A horror movie, but it’s just me afraid to go into the kitchen after the kids made cookies by themselves for the first time
As it may promote gay propaganda & non traditional sex, pictures from my workout this afternoon will not be published.
Babies make for the worst pets ever, I try to explain to all of the expectant mothers at the grocery store.