Your proctologist called. He found your head.
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There should be shopping carts available in the middle of the grocery store for people like me who thought they’ll be able to carry their stuff but eventually have to admit that they can’t.
I’m hungry – like I could eat a hot fudge sundae. Ok – I’m driving to the supermarket. Because I’m a motivated doer.
I’m thru spelling thru “through.”
Enough is enuf.
All I’m saying is when I’m drunk in the backyard I still put my shirt on just like everyone else, one leg at a time…
BULLY: lol as if you’ve got a date for prom
ME: uh yes, actually, I have
BULLY: Damn
ME *confidently smooths down shirt* It’s May 23rd. I’ll be going alone
Is your ice cube tray listening to your family’s conversations? Find out next week on No! It’s! Not!
Dear kangaroos, what’s stopping you from looking like this?
When my kids were little they’d say the cleverest things to total strangers like, “My mom drove into the garage door when it was shut.”
I watch football on a dodgy box but follow the match on twitter. There is about a 1 minute delay with the dodgy box so I give my prediction to my son as to who will score next. My record is 100% and my son thinks I’m a genius.
Hey! So I have a new YouTube channel. It’s a desperate attempt to make some $$$ (survival reasons) – Think you could support and subscribe?
While we are here, if you have feedback on the new site design, please let me know – trying to address one by one. Someone told me that there are way too many ads now, I have reduced the number of ads and increased the no. of funny tweets per page. Can’t wait to hear from you!
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
Just read that the average woman goes on 7 diets in her lifetime and I was like “wtf” because I’ve been on 7 diets since lunch.
They did not think through this water fountain
Bikini season is right around the corner…But so is Chipotle
Jack: I want to be nimble
Genie: ok
Jack: and also quick
Genie: ok those are the same thin-
Jack: last but not least I want to jump as high as a candle
Weird…the ChatGPT warnings are the same ones I have on my hinge profile…
Relax, everything will be fine eventually, for like 7 people
An English version of Cookie Monster called Biscuit Gentlemen who always wants biscuits but also uses the word please, because we’re not savages.
Just drank two 5-Hour Energy shots. Will I get 10 hours of energy? And why is that rainbow giggling at me? AndAHH MY SKIN IS ON INSIDE-OUT!
There was a magnetic necklace for sale at the $1.25 store. It was simultaneously unattractive and attractive.
I hate when a bag of potatoes goes bad because not only are the potatoes wasted but so are all the coins I have to put over their eyes.
Just finished filming my new movie, “Death on the Sidewalk.” I shot it with my car’s back-up camera.
*opens your fridge and sees 2% milk* hey, your milk’s almost dead
please dont announce your new job. im on twitter trying to have a good time and to spread misinformation
Today I was seated next to lovely, glowing, first-time pregnant woman, who looked me in the face and told me her child will be a mellow introvert. I let her have the moment.
If movies have taught me anything it’s that when someone says, “sir, you can’t be in here,” if you retort with, “no no, it’s ok,” it totally becomes ok.
Sometimes I wish camouflage were more effective so I wouldn’t have to see the people who wear it.
Coffee so strong I’m starting to believe I’m The Flash.
It’s the man who is supposed to be getting up to make the coffee in the morning. It’s even in the Bible under “Hebrews.”
the word “crocheting” pisses me off. like check out this new word guys, it’s called crowshaying but we’re gonna spell it like screaming with your head in a metal bucket.