“Your resume has MPGMA listed under hobbies. What exactly is that?”

Making people guess the meaning of acronyms.

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“Is that the guy who doesn’t know how to use the word poignant?”
Yea shhh he’s coming over here
THE GUY: hey guys! long time no poignant


*notices it’s not even 8am*

*been tweeting like a boss…*

*…to 5 insomniacs*


[Scene: Cloud City. Two men fight each other with lightsabers]

Mario: You-a kill my father!
Wario: No. I am-a your father.
Mario: Mama-mia!


Buying my parents’ house.

Soon, like so many of the ‘ladies’ here…

I too will be a middle aged man tweeting from his mom’s basement.


I’m most like a dog when after someone has hurt me I won’t get too close to them again.

Also when I’m eating food that fell on the floor.


Some people ask, what would Jesus do. I ask, will it frighten the squirrels?


Me: Look, you delivered this brand new yet ever since it doesn’t stop making weird noises! I believe I’m owed a replacement under warranty?

The midwife: 😐


If you tell me you’re giving something 110% then I’m assuming the extra 10% is your stupidity.


My teen isn’t feeling well and WebMD says imminent death but Google classroom says imminent math test.


Doctor: you need to include more fruits and vegetables in your diet

Me: I hear the words but they’re not making any sense