Your resume just says “falconer”
“And?”
Well, this is a bank
*falcon starts break-dancing*
“Not yet Tyler, wait until he offers us the job”
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People are like, “I thought about what you said…” and my first thought is always, “Oh no.”
I’ll do anything once, twice if I like it, three times if I’m addicted which why I’m always in and out of rehab. I have a problem.
The kids wanted the Zero Gravity Laser Racer, a toy car that follows a laser.
I handed them a flashlight and pointed at the cat.
A warehouse is just a regular house that was bitten by a wolf under the full moon.
“Always leave her wanting more” doesn’t mean eat the last of the nachos, jerk.
I just want to live in a world where every slice of bacon is perfectly fried, beer flows freely from the kitchen tap, pandemics are a thing of the past…
… and that world peace thing.
So many things changing daily.
For example, now DTF stands for Don’t Touch my Face.
if Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you’re a girl who reads books, you will eventually fall in love with a water buffalo
Genie: So let me get this straight, your first wish was for your cat to talk?
Me: yes.
Genie: and then your second wish was he couldn’t talk anymore?
Me: He was mean to me.
Genie: And now your third wish is he can talk again?
Me: I just thought of a great come back!
When you try jalapeños for the first time
A guy gets hit on the head by a falling soda can. But he’s allright.
Guess he was lucky
*puts on sunglasses*
It was a soft drink
#FFFC
I’ve been standing here for 30 minutes and it hasn’t even moved.
I hate when Netflix asks if I’m still watching. You really think I got my life together in the last 2 hours?
me: excuse me but is the pilot vaping?
flight attendant: no there’s a fire in the cockpit
me: oh thank god
A dog needs to be the next president.
“A dog can’t-”
When has a dog ever raised taxes or started a war?
“I’ll start the paperwork.”
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
Attn Christian Parents: the band Kiss may sound innocent but their name is short for KISSING
[First day of class at law school]
*raises hand*
Hi, yes. When do we get our white, curly wigs?
According to some “experts” called “doctors”…
You can wake up without a hangover if you don’t drink the night before.
Whatever.
Someone being big spoon for me is not enough. I need to get ladled.
[First date]
Her: Are you literally WEARING a red flag?
Me: Yes, do you like it? Hey! Come back!
I miss when the most stressful thing about my day was Gargamel.
*takes off pants*
*crawls into bed*Security Guard- Lady, this is Macy’s
*crawls out of bed*
*puts on pants*SG- Those aren’t your pants
You see some crazy stuff when you’re out late at night smearing raccoon blood on your neighbours windows.
I’ve been calling my kids children of the corn for so long my daughter just called me mom of the corn and I’m fine with it.
This coyote won’t let me get close enough to put a sweater on him.
No thanks Cupid. If I wanted butterflies and my heart skipping beats, I would do something less ridiculous like lose my phone.
[Couple saying their vows in church]
ME *stands up* I know why these two should not be wed. SHE’S ALREADY MARRIED!
EVERYONE *gasps*
ME: AND SO IS HE!
EVERYONE *gasps*
COUPLE: Yeah we’re renewing our vows
ME *sits down* I did not know that
gettin prety good at makin baloon animals, so far i can make:
– a snake
– worm
– eel
– dog, hot
– 2 snakes