“Your resume says weaknesses: hide & seek”
Yeah
“Can you demonstrate?”
Sure, count to 10
*Counts to 10 & opens eyes*
*I’m literally on fire*
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I always carry bananas in my purse in case I’m ever chased by bad guys…
…or a giant gorilla.
~Super Mario’s mom probably
When teenagers behave well in the cinema: I believe the children are our future, teach them well and let them lead the way
When teenagers talk through the whole film: Why Won’t The Woke Left Let Us Smack Other People’s Children? – Me for The Telegraph
[sees annoying coworker at store]
Him: Hey, what’s new?
Me: [gets right up in his face] Stuart, EVERYTHING in here is new.
If a man shows up with cotton eyes, my first question won鈥檛 be about his travel itinerary.
Spiderman, Spiderman/
Does whatever a spider can/
Attends college/
Works as a photographer/
Just like a spider
I’m never going to tweet again. Guilty tweets have got no algorithm.
The deep ocean is so mysterious. Sharks and octopuses could be down there having dance battles and we’d never know. We’d never know.
Facebook needs an “I’ve already seen this on Twitter” button.
[Amphibian Playground]
BULLFROG: look at all u lil toad nerds
TOAD: help! a BULLYfrog!
TEACHER SNAKE: i’ll handle this *eats everyone*
馃幎Summer lovin’, had me a blast
Summer lovin’ is especially sweaty馃幎
I microwave ramen noodles right before I go to bed so that they鈥檙e finally cool enough to eat when I wake up in the morning.
Me *buying alcohol*
Him: I need identification
Me *pointing* wine, vodka, beer, whiskey
Him: I meant you
Me: I’m Jon
Who called them reply guys instead of first responders?
[shopping]
[wife being a real pain]
Me: *hands her the broom we just bought* You want me to carry this? Or do you want to drive it home?
Interviewer: Are you a natural leader?
Me: *steps out of his office* Sweet Caroline…
Everyone: BOM BOM BOM
Interviewer: Damn you’re good.
Cinderella: [changing clothes after the wedding, removes one shoe]
Prince Charming: omg babe where did you go
Want to make a nerd’s head explode? Go to any site that posted the new Star Wars trailer & write “Where’s Captain Kirk?” in the comments.
wanna know what鈥檚 worse than being cheated on? finding out he鈥檚 trying to cheat but nobody wants him 馃槶
[buys ghostbusters ringtone]
ME: who ya gonna call?
[1 hour later]
ME: who ya gonna call?!
[2 days later]
ME: *sobbing* I am so lonely
What time will the Easter candy be discounted?
CVS: Mam, please stop calling us. We don鈥檛 know yet.
Ok. I鈥檒l call back later.
The hand doctor told me that I can no longer cook, clean, or vacuum.
Which would be amazing news if I actually did any of those things.
he chose this
Losing My Religion is a sad song about a misplaced pulled-pork sandwich.
I wish I loved anything as much as fitbit loves not giving me credit for all the steps I walked whilst looking for my lost fitbit.
CHILD: goodnight earth, goodnight stars, goodnight orb
MOM: no it’s goodnight moon, honey
ORB: t h i s c h i l d w i l l b e s p a r e d
Forget roses, lay her down on a bed of cheeseburgers.
Genesis is my favorite rock group who’ve been around long enough to write a chapter in the bible.
In the United States a man gets kicked in the groin every 6.2 seconds. I would hate to be that man.
I hate when I go to Subway and they barely put any toppings on.
When I take a bite, I want it to look like I went head to head with a garden, and won.
If I had to choose one word that encapsulates me, I’d say skin.