“Your résumé says you’ve been to prison?”
Me: Sorry, that’s a mistake
“So you haven’t?”
Me: I have, I just didn’t mean to put it on there
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A thief has removed all the motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently trying to find Leeds.
I was the only one wearing a mask in the supermarket this morning, so I made everyone empty their pockets.
I don’t understand why my AirPods aren’t working right I’ve only sent them through the laundry twice.
“Let’s check in with Ted our correspondent in the field.”
Ted: “Hey Bob I’ve been in this field for about an hour, and I’m super bored.”
WIFE: Shouldn’t you be at work?
ME: I took care of it.
BOSS: [to the cardboard cutout of Shaq with my face glued on it]
Nice work today.
GARY JOHNSON: let me debate, i wanna debate, lemme lemme
MODERATOR: FINE! how will you deal with big banks
JOHNSON: like…river banks, or
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
I should start carrying a pool noodle in my car and randomly smack cars when stuck in traffic
When you wish upon a star your feet burst into flame and you realize it was a dumb place to stand.
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
Now that I’m in charge of Santa’s milk and cookies, it’s payback time for that Barbie townhouse I never got.
I become instantly beautiful when I put on my sunglasses.
-Every girl, ever.
Me: I bought a Twix for us to share.
Wife: Thanks, but you know I don’t like Twix.
Me: *already shoving both pieces into my mouth* Oh no, I forgot.
Just ate at a Japanese restaurant and the entire staff was Hispanic. I don’t know what is real anymore!
BOSS: We need to improve morale
ME: Okay
BOSS: How about an office party?
ME: [crosses out “replace coworkers with puppies”] I guess
JUDGE: how do you plead
ME: Whats the one where you killed a ton of people but you don’t want to tell anyone
JUDGE: not guilty
ME: that one
morpheus: take the blue pill AND the red pill and i’ll show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
me: they both taste exactly the same
morpheus: *waving skittles packet* RIGHT?
me: OH MY GOD
Them: Describe your personality using one word.
Me: no
Uglier.
Angel: But, sir…
I SAID UGLIER!
– God inventing cycling outfits.
ME: Give up, man. She’s not coming back.
GROCERY CART:
A fun thing to do is sign your kids up for a class they’re dying to take and then listen to them complain about it for the next 8 weeks.
Sometimes, I worship the devil, but only to disappoint my parents. I’m not really invested.
I did some exercise in 2010, I should be good for another few years…
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
WHO: omg please stop sharing your stuff
If being chased by an alligator be sure to run in a zigzag pattern so he can get in his cardio before ultimately catching and killing you.
Prisoner: You inked
Me: *thinking about my “I hate prisoners” back tattoo* No why
You learn a lot about someone when you marry them. For example , I learned I should have married someone else.
I would watch the Bachelor if everyone who doesn’t get a rose gets thrown into a volcano
#milo