Your salary is just your company’s monthly subscription of you
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On the toilet for 20 minutes. Wish you were here.
When the girl working the counter says “would you like fries with that?” say..”are you calling me fat??” then burst into tears. Free meal.
Interviewer: what qualifies you as a horticulturist?
Me: I have something growing on everything in my fridge.
A student today met with me virtually in her pajamas with a blanket and a hippopotamus crocheted hat on. I was so jealous.
Happy Victorian Christmas, the sparrows are coming for us all
Me: She really needs to calm down.
Alcohol: You should tell her.
cop: way to go, mystery inc., you’ve caught yet another monster
shaggy: no problem
cop: lets celebrate by eating those brownies we saw in the mystery machine
shaggy: haha lets not do that
Then he told me, “Where you see only one set of footprints, that’s where I had to carry you because you drank all the water I turned into wine.”
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
[at the mall]
“Excuse me? I lost my son. Can I please make an announcement?”
“Of course.”
[leans in to mic]
“Goodbye you little shit.”
ME ONLINE: all people deserve the same rights & quality of life
ME IN TRAFFIC: I HOPE EVERYONE IN THIS MINIVAN GETS EATEN BY RABID BADGERS
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
Girl said she wanted to have my babies so I invited her over. But she didn’t look happy when I told her to put them to bed by 8 and went out
*Looks left*
*Looks right*
*Crosses road*
*Gets run over by chicken*
I promised my trainer that I’d set a gym schedule I would commit to regularly. So, now every time there’s a lunar eclipse I work out.
Fool me once shame on you fool me 27 times you’re a piece of lint on the floor disguised as a bug
I said to my wife, ‘Hey, I really love these new furry condoms.”
‘Bob, that’s a cat.’
her: I’m bored
me: let me take you out and show you a good time
her: ok
[later]
me: *walking past a bar* look, everyone in there’s having funher: I see
Today I met people who had twin 6 month old babies, and they would not even let me have the one that really liked me. Selfish.
Interviewer: Do you mind explaining why you’re late?
Me: I didn’t want to give you the false impression that I’ll always be early.
[Bar]
Friend: I’m just lucky, I guess. Nothing ever embarrasses me.
Drunk Me: Challenge accepted.
If someone asks me to do something I was already planning to do, I will leave the COUNTRY to emphasize how much I’m not doing it anymore.
What’s it called when no one can dance but everyone dances?
A good wedding reception
Vin Diesel’s real first name is Vehicle Identification Number.
[doing a crossword]
friend: what’s a 9 letter word for phony
me: baby horse
friend: no like fake
me: unicorn jr
a daycare dad cut me off in the parking lot so I went early yesterday and taught his kid how to ride a bike you can never get that back
*runs into long lost friend*
Him- I started out on the bottom now I’m a district MGR. what do you do?
Me- I disappoint people
Waiter, Waiter, I would like some lamb chops and make them lean.
Certainly Sir, forwards or backwards?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Put granola in your yogurt, because who doesn’t like eating tiny rocks on purpose?