“Your scientists were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.”
You Might Also Like
Nutella. A delicious mix of nuts and umbrellas.
School crossing signs are bullshit, i’ve literally never seen a kid walking 20 mph
I’ve got 2 brilliant plans to help me retire early. Plan A is to win the lottery tonight & if that fails plan B is to win the lottery tomorrow. Should be a piece of piss.
If I was a sushi chef I’d wear divers gear so people knew it was fresh.
Didn’t find a dead body on my hike again today this is starting to get frustrating.
Me: pick and choose your battle.
My son: I choose every battle.
[turns to buddy just before bar fight]
“I’ll take the guy with the glasses, you take the guy dressed as a ninja”
Too ugly for insta too stupid for twitter too stiff for tiktok
robbed a bank just to hear someone call me a person of interest
Chicago sounds lovely.
I feel so alive when I watch an object fall and shatter into hundreds of pieces. Not alive enough to clean up the mess though.
Me: how much for the seal Dracula
Zoo keeper: that’s a walrus
Ten out of one women is a Russian Nesting Doll
Me: just cuz my resume is on a napkin doesn’t mean it’s not good
Employer: there’s a chicken nugget stuck to it
Me: oh is there? *winks*
just a heads up. i will be running around the house. as fast as possible. for the next 15 seconds. i will have no regard for furniture. or any individuals in my way. when i am done. do not ask me why i have done this. because i do not know
Just saw a horse drawn cart. Wasn’t a very good cart. Horses are terrible artists.
Tree:
Tree Doctor: it’s a Tree house
Tree: oh no
Tree Doctor: you have humans
I’ve had no formal martial arts training, but I know for a fact the Power Rangers are wasting too much energy on unnecessary summersaults
Interviewer: can you tell me about a time when you succeeded?
Me: (nods and looks out the window contemplatively) no
Is ‘Monkey Bread’ for monkeys, made by monkeys or made from monkeys?
Day 4 of social distancing.. My husband just challenged my kids to a Tic Tac battle (aka TikTok) .. dear god help us all.
PREGNANT WIFE: oh my god, my water broke!
ME: ok stay calm, i know what to do *googles “how to fix water”*
“help us improve instagram” nice try fix your own damn website.
I just found out that they made an entire movie based on my favorite Will Smith song “Men in Black.”
Just saw I am Legend for the first time and found it completely implausible when there was no reference to any toilet paper shortage.
There is a lot of tension between bed and productivity today.
If diet and exercise are not working for you, try actually dieting and actually exercising.
How did you break your leg?
[flashes back to tripping over couch] I twisted it while pushing a toddler out of the way of an oncoming train.
JOSEPH AND MARY: We’ll stay in the manger, we don’t care
INN MANAGER: Fine. Just don’t make a scene
Me: Dad, how did you guys manage without WhatsApp and SMS ??
Dad: We used to keep useless information to ourselves.