Your Scooby Doo Villain Name is “old” plus your gender plus your last name.
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Bad Coroner: This guy you brought in a few days ago, I think I know how he died. The last thing he ate was spaghetti with bullets in it.
Red light special: that smug look that you give the driver who was speeding and cut you off then ended up beside you at the red light.
“dom or sub?”
subway but dominos isn’t bad on occasion
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips while son walks around looking for his bag of chips*
I can’t listen to music with my headphones at the office. Apparently everyone doesn’t enjoy the way I sing out loud
Monday: forearms
Wednesday: forearms
Friday: forearms
Sunday: forearms
–Popeye’s gym schedule
When two girls hate each other, they say “we should DEFINITELY hang out” and then take turns shouting “definitely!” until one of them dies.
Things my cat eats: grass
Things my cat shouldn’t eat: grassThings my cat should eat: cat food
Things my cat doesn’t eat: cat foodColour of my cat: black and white
Colour of cows: black and whiteSynopsis: My cat is a cow
That blue kool-aid that barbers keep their combs in tastes funny.
Getting a dog will not solve all your emotional problems. For that you need four dogs.
Calm down! I’m not officially late until I actually get there.
As a parent, you learn to accept you can’t run away from your problems. They will find you. And they will demand fruit snacks.
Apparently “will work for food” doesn’t involve hunting.
having sex w/ a girl who has multiple personalities would be awesome unless one of those personalities was hitler
I don’t want well-wishes for international women’s day, I want a dragon.
Don’t call me a party animal then get upset that I pooped on your carpet.
going to the gym to throw donuts at all the skinny people
ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking, please fasten your seatbelts i wanna try something
Sorry for referring to your baby as “ominous”, I didn’t realise you would hear me through the baby monitor
I shortened the rope on the bucket used to collect the village’s water. Didn’t go down well.
How is this not always the biggest story of the day?
Puts myself out there
Puts myself back bc wtfff
Me: Excuse me waiter, my fish is ice cold
Waiter [who is a penguin]: *eats the fish*
it seems as if every day science takes another giant leap forward
Me, today: don’t text and drive
Me, in 1999: *driving and flipping through a 96 disc binder looking for deftones*
Gen X kids never wanted to come home. Modern teenagers never want to leave the house.
Gen X parents of teens are basically feral dogs raising housecats.
Are you a can of biscuits? Because I’d like to bang you on the counter.
I got 99 socks but a pair ain’t one
Chad: But I don’t want to advertise escorts or be known for shady stuff.
Craig: Then I’ll start my own list.