Your secret is safeish with me
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Every time my wife makes asparagus I think she’s trying to catch me peeing in the shower.
I told my 5-year-old to play a new silent game, but she spent almost 30 minutes discussing about the rules.
Now we’re playing the Lets watch Cartoons game.
War & Peace
I did 1 single thing on my to-do list today which means now I get to watch 11 hours of TV
the only difference between a hoarder and a collector is the smell
I need Apple to develop a slurred speech to text feature.
9y.o: “Mom, how many eggs can make an omelette?”
Me: “Well,-“
9: “-I mean, if eggs break, can you still use them?”
Me: …
9: Like, if they smashed all over a floor, could you still make them?”
Me: …
9: “Yeah, so…how do you clean eggs off a floor?”
A wine sampling? How delightful. I’d also like to experience only a titch of love and a morsel of happiness.
Exactly when in American history did Americans stop having British accents?
“Lemme do a quick poop and I’ll be right with you.” – me working the deli counter
“You have 15 seconds to convince me of why I should call you back. Good luck.”
– my voicemail message
duolingo: he is a boy
me: él es un niño
duolingo: she is a girl
me: ella es una niña
duolingo: can i make it anymore obvious
me: puedo—wait
I wish I was as consistent as the poppy seed that finds the space between my two front teeth
Smartphone owners are the bravest. They’re not afraid of anything not even death.
They can walk into any running truck without giving a damn
People think I’m good at keeping secrets but the truth is I’m just bad at paying attention to what you told me.
I love when British people call it a “rubbish bin,” like my kitchen trash got a monocle
It’s adorable how I write “beer” on my shopping list like I’d somehow forget.
The lady at the passport office just said to the man in line: The Walgreens down the street takes great pictures.
I said: I, too, am incredibly photogenic.
lmao
Sorry I marked myself as safe on Facebook after your PowerPoint presentation.
Schrödinger’s Mom: You have to feed the cat
Schrödinger: Or do I?
*date night*
Her: Why did you say you were a bad chef? These crunchy tacos look great!
Me: …omelettes 🙁
*handing nurse a bedpan*
Me: I pooped in thisNurse: you’re not a patient here
Listen to your instincts. Your gut is always right. It may be a little bloated sometimes…but it’s right.
Sure, 50% of marriages end in divorce and yeah, that’s sad.
But 100% of married people will die, and isn’t that a greater tragedy?
[Dating in 2009]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: I’m calling the police.[Dating in 2019]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: Oh my gosh, how do you pick just one, right? Hahaha!
Why did the thumbs-up become the universal symbol for approval? “hey let me show u my weirdest finger because i’m down with what ur saying”
hey guys. um so say i hypothetically worked at a big tech company and hypothetically spilled some diet ginger ale on the big um servers in the back room and now a lot of stuff is going wrong. what should i hypothetically do
My dog’s frightened to walk across shiny floors and won’t eat dog food unless I heat it up. I have a feeling he’d be a flop out in nature.
gf: remember, my dad’s really into sports, so talk to him about that
me: will do
[later, meeting girlfriend’s parents]
me: so, sir, jen tells me you’re really into sports
her dad: that’s right
me: why