“Your sense of entitlement is destroying our relationship”
*me to my dog while trying to eat without having to share.
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GOOD COP: cover me!
DAD COP: *tucks him in* snug as a bug
A girl phoned me the other day and said…”Come on over, there’s nobody home.” I went over. Nobody was home.
Girl at engineering school: I’m like the single-most clumsy person
[5 male engineering students emerge from bushes]
“Did you say single?”
Sometimes I feel like my dog is deeply disappointed in my lack of concern about the potential dangers of allowing our neighbors walk by our house
Reverse Edgar Allan Poe be like, Quoth the Peacock, “Alwaysless.”
Me: I’m going to be a great doctor one day
My patient: [bleeding out] when
I’ve watched this over 100 times and I still can’t figure out how he did this
ME: *reading my tweets aloud*
HER: *spits coffee out*
ME: Aww was it that funny?
HER: No, I just hate coffee.
Children are the future. Cuz in the present, they’re hella annoying
Wish I had a friend named Keith who was good at fighting just so I could call him a keithal weapon.
Everyone you meet is going through some kind of struggle, and they also have something to teach you, so do NOT make eye contact.
thanks auntie mary
date: what turns you on?
me: cartoon superhero movies
date: [laughing] incredible
me: yah that’s my go to
Thanks for telling me I’m really funny ‘for a girl.’ You’re really stupid for a human.
Cop: He’s getting away! Quickly, cut him off!
Criminal: Get outta my—
Rookie: STOP TALKING
Quadruple digit IQ
I keep having to put away a lot of shoes for a family who hasn’t gone anywhere in 7 weeks.
If the salesman doesn’t come with me on the test drive, I just take the car home and wait for them to come get it. I have so many cars now.
I need to update my racial profile.
[new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people have asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
Never judge someone because they sin differently than you.
ME: [brutally murdered by police for no reason]
MEDIA: Man Involved in Yesterday’s Curfuffle Had Troubling History of Pot Use and Cursing
My girlfriend said she wants a fairy-tale life. So I’ve trapped her in her gran’s bedroom with a wolf.
It was so cold UN weapons inspectors suddenly decided that chemical weapons might be hidden in Hawaii
4: I wanna watch Sing 2!
hubs: you’ve watched that a thousand times.
4: not today.
5yo: I made this for you.
Me: How nice! Um…what is it?
5yo: I was hoping you’d know.
The speed walking event just looks like a group of people hurrying to get somewhere to take a shit.
My new uniform is so tight I almost broke my fingers getting a card out of my back pocket
Sure I have empathy. I sense you want some of my coffee and I feel really terrible for you.
fiancé: please take off my bra and my skirt
me: *seductively takes off her bra and her skirt*
fiancé: if i catch you wearing my stuff again, i swear to god i’m gonna murder you