Your sex life as a parent basically becomes “Fifty Shades of Pray Those Kids Stay Asleep.”
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I love getting socks for Christmas idk what you people are complaining about
men are simple creatures
someone please tell my husband that no one can hear him yelling driving tips at them from inside our car.
My son forged my signature on a note from his teacher. I’m his teacher.
Half of answering the landline as a kid was yelling “Mom! It’s for you!”
When you vacuum your kid’s room and it just sounds like millions of Rice Krispies being sucked up
Maybe there’s no sunshine when he’s gone, but at least I don’t have to fight over the remote.
*guy acts like he’s gonna punch me*
GUY: HA! You flinched
ME: yes because I thought you were going to punch me. If you actually punched me I would have been more protected. You see, evolutionarily speaking, the flinchers would have outlived those wh-
GUY: *actually punches me*
genie: are you sure?
me: just do it
*my dog winks and gives me a fist bump for the third time*
{at sports arena}
*kiss cam pans to me just as I take a huge bite of a hotdog
Me: *panics and seductively licks mustard off my lips.
When Bryan Adams sang ‘Baby, you’re all that I want…when you’re lying here in my arms…” I bet he was talking about brisket.
Don’t stand in the rain if you’re stuck in a shit storm
Shout out to the person who had the balls to open the first no kids allowed restaurant
Play a fun prank with your kids by hiding a bigger Elf on the Shelf in your house each day so in a few weeks he’s 10 feet tall and they’re absolutely terrified of Christmas.
What if we all do not exist and God is alone just imagining us?
“what that mouth do?” complain
[Hardware store]
ME: I’ll take one of those giant forks.
WORKER: That’s a rake.
ME: I’m gonna eat so much spaghetti with that thing.
The problem with the Met Gala is you can’t stop picturing all the assistants having the worst month of their lives.
A shark can sense a drop of blood from 3 miles away, and a mom can sense you’re not getting enough to eat from 10,000.
I made a resolution to eat better and exercise in the new year but didn’t specify which year I was referring to.
When you let your mom cut your hair and she tells you what a handsome young man you are
Him: which of these two fanny packs is better?
Me:
Me:
Him: you can say neither
Me: oh thank goodness!
Welcome to your 40s. The only shoes you can tolerate are running, but you won’t be doing any of that anymore.
[god creating the beetle]
what if a bee and a turtle had sex
how about no fine and just a warning for the first offense
Him: How ’bout this rain?
Me: It makes my asshole itchy.
And that, my friends, is why you don’t talk to strangers on elevators.
If you kill a spider you’re brave but if you kill a person you’re a monster, I’m really tired of these double standards
Equally cool alternatives to air guitar:
Air slap bass
Air harmonica
Silent pig auctions
Balloons hitting people
The letter Q
On your deathbed tell everyone “pray for me” then make sure to leave a note to be opened after you die that says “pray harder next time”
I am looking properly as I cross the road my child said as her face disappeared completely inside her hood each time she looked left and right.