Your stomach probably thinks all potatoes are mashed
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A psychologist on a podcast I listen to just said “if you want to be less anxious you need to worry less” so thank god he spent $80k on his PhD because this is absolute gold
you know who else had a “fun hat phase”? Abe Lincoln. and we all know what happened to THAT guy
massive power vacuum on bluesky atm and i aim to fill it
13: can I play video games?
ME: yep
WIFE: nope
ME: absolutely not go think about what you’ve done don’t look at me in that tone of voice
Talk to me when you have a shirt & tie that didn’t come in the same box.*
*Grave robbers exempt.
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
cop: why’d you kill him?
me: I was trying to count something and he kept shouting random numbers
cop: ugh hate that you’re free to go
Every work meeting this week
The year is 2027. Voice to text is flawless. A young child points at a bird and says, “Duck”. His mother slaps him.
FRIEND 1: wanna see a pic of my cat
ME: yes!
FRIEND 2: wanna see a pic of my bird
ME: yes!
FRIEND 3: wanna see a pic of my dog
ME: omg yes!
FRIEND 4: wanna see a pic of my baby
ME: ugh fine
Age is just a number until your 10yrs younger husband says “your hair today makes you look like Uncle Jesse’s girlfriend” and you think he meant from Dukes of Hazzard but he meant Full House and needless to say he’s now your ex-husband
[first date]
Me: that is hilarious
Date: …
Me: wait, bread or dead?
Date: how would my parents be bread?
I found an extra $9 in the bank! Get dressed baby we’re going to Little Caeser’s!
Drank enough whiskey to talk the husband into a Titanic reenactment. He’s laying in the snow and I won’t share the picnic table with him.
The French word for sex is croissant.
*falls dramatically on therapist’s sofa* the barista touched the mouth hole
There’s magic in the air and it’s called Wifi.
Yelp Review: Babies
Cute at first, but then screamy like angry pterodactyls. There is literally poop everywhere. Would not recommend.
Florida man
If you stare at your face in the back of a spoon you look a lot like someone who doesn’t know how to use cutlery
Nice try, NASA
Her: You seem so relaxed and comfortable with your mask on.
Me: [quietly sucks pacifier behind mask] *shrugs*
Nothing like that magical moment when you find your 7yo playing quietly in his room, ‘cause he just brought in real bugs to feed his imaginary lizard.
I’m going to open a food truck that sells chicken sandwiches. Park it next to Chick-fil-A and open it only on Sundays
It will be called Side Chick.
Me: Hello, can you force an update on my computer that will affect most of my vital programs in a negative way?
Microsoft: Actually, we were just about to push an update to do that.
Me: Can you also offer no help to fix the issues?
Microsoft: Have we ever not let you down?
Single white female seeking a nice, respectful paycheck and 401k to settle down with.
7y.o: “Mom, what do you want for Mother’s Day?”
Me: “Sleep.”
7: “Haha, no seriously, Mom; something REAL.”
Exactly.
Nature Valley granola bar: 42 grams
Crumbs left after eating it: 43 grams
me: [yelling at houseplant] I AM NOT AN ALCOHOLIC
wife: I’m over here
My neighbor broke up w her bf and piled all his stuff on the curb and I just added a boxspring to it bc I’ve been meaning to get rid of it