Your third emoji is.. Just kidding. I’m an adult.
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Yes, I have a fitness app. I use it to time how long it takes the pizza delivery guy to get here.
I bet da Vinci told Mona Lisa to smile more and that’s why he’s dead now.
well well well if it isn’t my neighbor thinking he can sit on a porch better than me
When spiders see you left a pair of shoes in the garage
eating all the chips in my house so that I won’t be tempted to eat all the chips
My face when someone is offended by something super offensive I said to them:
Classified ad:
Hunter seeks gatherer for nasty, brutish and short relationship. No weirdos.
11yo ceremoniously hands me a handmade birthday card she spent hours on.
13yo just as pleased with himself hands me the card he gave me already on mother’s day
Wife:
I’m
*pause*
leaving
*pause*
you.Me: Is it because I’m always on this trampoline?
I don’t think ‘Open Facebook’ was the first step in the scientific method I learned in school
interviewer: do you feel like you have grown as a person?
me: ok well I was literally like a foot tall when I was born
doctor: this may hurt
me: june doesn’t look much better
Establish dominance over your children by whining louder
I can still remember the words my father said to me on my wedding night “let’s hope this ones not a whore like the last one!”
You know that one relative that is annoying AF and no one in the family can tolerate?
Yeah, she’s staying at my house this week.
*gets Ouija board*
Spirits, are there Pringles in the kitchen?
Ten seconds into packing a box…aaaand I’ve lost the end of the tape
My husband is trying to tell me shopping on Amazon isn’t a hobby.
Next thing I know he’ll be saying Twitter isn’t a hobby.
[taking my final breaths after a freak accident]
Tell my family I totes love them
*gasping for air*
but like, roll your eyes real hard
All sex is “make up sex” if you don’t know what you’re doing.
I’m pitching a show called “Walking Dad” where dads go around biting each other and then the people who get bitten become dads too.
“Sorry, could I just squeeze by?”
<person doesn’t move an inch>
“Thanks”
[a giant killer salmon is attacking the city]
cop: [throws smoke bomb]
me: “all you’ve done is make him extra delicious you idiot”
Finished building birdhouse. Bird couple coming by tomorrow. In their price range.
*Showing Pet Sematary to 6yo daughter
“Anyway, this is what happens to kids who don’t learn how to spell.”
My teenage children choosing violence
Oh sure, the continents get to drift forever and it’s “a natural geologic process” but when I do it I’m “wasting my potential.”
Dog shampoo was on sale & cheaper than my normal shampoo so it looks like I’m going to have a shiny, healthy coat for the next few weeks.
I figured out how to eat rice cakes. You have to frost them and then dip them into marshmallow fluff. Diet food isn’t so bad.
no thanks rational thinking your ship has sailed