Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

He always wanted a surprise gift wrapped up in a big red bow.

*carefully arranges shiny red ribbon around a wriggling porcupine*

don’t ask me explain this but a golden retriever is like the 1990s in dog form

“When I tell you that it’s time to get out of the pool, it means that it’s time to get out of the pool.”

Eve: Wrong hole!

Adam: Sorry, it’s my first time. How do U know it’s the wrong hole? No one has done this before, it’s just us two you know

Her: What’s with the bunny?

Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”

Her: Why?

Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.

Who called it a hot dog rolling grill and not a roller toaster

“I was about to sleep but just saw ice cream in the freezer”, an autobiography.

I was trying to explain how tired I was cause I was up all night scoom drolling and now I don’t think I need to explain any further.

Friend: just be yourself.

Me: Be myself? Be myself?!

Some of the most successful people I know aren’t myself. That’s horrible advice

Spent an hour on a zoom with somebody whose fire alarm kept beeping low bat and I realized, Jesus, everybody lives like I do!

PASTOR: and the lord said unto us—can u stop please? it’s very distracting
ME: [bouncing up & down on yoga ball] i don’t think he said that

Boom, boom, ching!

[guy running at me with a machete]
wonder what this fella wants

inmate: hey man why so sad

me: my mom brought me a cake but the warden made me share it with everyone

inmate: didn’t you get a piece though?

me: not the one with the file in it

I want rich people’s problems like government denying the permission of landing my chopper on my mansion.

Friend: I can’t sleep.

Me: Have you tried putting your phone down?

Friend: Then how will I complain that I can’t sleep?

WIFE: It’s either me or th-
ME: He has name
WIFE: OR the goose.
ME: Say it.
WIFE:…
ME: Say his name.
WIFE:…
ME: Why won’t you love Tom Honks

[High school reunion]
Me: I’m in the army now.

Friend: I thought you were either going to be a referee or an attorney.

Me: Yeah I couldn’t decide between boxers and briefs so I went commando

Me: My bed is so warm and cosy. I never want to leave.

Bladder: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

You know that one relative that is annoying AF and no one in the family can tolerate?

Yeah, she’s staying at my house this week.

I’m at my most fake news when I tell my husband how much money I spent shopping.

I’m not positive,

but I think when you say you’re “over” something,

YOU STOP TALKING ABOUT IT.

Most forest fires are started when someone runs with corduroy pants on

My son’s doing a report on the Cold War and asking what ended it. “I’ve got that answer right here,” I say. *starts Rocky IV dvd*

If by “new money” you mean it hasn’t been printed yet, yes, that’s me.

Ariel: I wanna be where the people are!

Me: idiot

I rescued a seagull, taught it karate and named it Steven, so what?

me: sorry, I move around a lot in bed

GF: it’s ok lol

[middle of the night]

me: [taps GF on the shoulder] I just bought a house in Montana

5 yo me: Throw my ducky in the bath
15 yo me: Throw on some tunes while im in the bath
30 yo me: Throw the toaster in while im in the bath