Your Tinder date welcomes you into their bedroom. They excuse themselves and go to the bathroom, leaving you alone on their bed. What is your next move?
A. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
B. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
C. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
D. All of the above
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Instacart – For when you still want someone to call you from the store about your grocery list but you don’t want to be married to them.
If you like 28 tweets of mine in a row, you’re my boyfriend now. I didn’t make this up. I’m just as upset as you are.
Bicyclists, it’s one thing to hog the road, but it’s quite another to expect us to know your fancy hand signals. Also, I can see your balls.
men, we mow at sunrise.
Dad: No wonder your Twitter account wasn’t hacked
Me: You weren’t worried?
Dad: Not at all, you’re not nearly interesting enough for the hackers
Legend of Tarzan 2:
Tarzan meets other primates.
He befriends them all.
He teaches them to fight.
It’s a prequel to Planet of the Apes.
“College looks so fun I bet your camera roll is insane”
My camera roll:
I’m good at turning a bad situation into a terrible one
[couples therapy]
HER: He’s always talking down to me
ME: *heavy sigh* It’s called being condescending but I doubt you knew that, Karen
a robot’s eyes change to red when they go evil because they are in love (with murder)
both dogs refuse to go out to pee in the rain so i have to lift each one up and heave them out the back door like i’m a bouncer and they just got in a fight
Microdosing being a pigeon by delivering a letter.
It’s one thing to get a golf tee stuck in a nostril. Shit happens. But if you’ve got a golf tee in each nostril, that’s a pattern. Wake up.
My 8yo did a great job on his school project so he gets to pick any restaurant for dinner and so tonight we’ll be dining at the gas station.
ME: hey boss it looks like I bit off a little more than I could chew
MORTICIAN: you’re so fired
I’ve always admired a man in a uniform who is soft, sweet and tender. I guess my perfect match is the Stay Puft Marshmellow man.
the warning on my razor says “for external use only” and now I have questions
If you really want people to notice you, be a typo.
The UPS guy never wants to wrestle so I’m thinking about trying FedEx.
Of course climate change is man-made. It’s all been meticulously orchestrated by the Titanic survivors, seeking revenge on that iceberg.
Me [to my friends]: No one ever invites Gary out because he always has some strange contraption.
*Gary pole vaults past us*
Just a little reminder..
If mushrooms can grow through shit, so can you.So can you!
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
IF ANYONE EVER ASKS YOU WHAT TIME IT IS PUT ON SHADES AND SAY “ITS SHOWTIME”
“Are… are you sure you know what an elephant looks like?“
“Of course, why do you ask?“
Me: *rehearsing alibi speech in front of mirror
Cops: {laughing from other side of two way mirror} Is this the dumbest criminal ever?
standing over the sink eating leftovers with my dad like we are two bears that just broke into someones home