“Your under arrest!”
No, YOU’RE under arrest
*police looks around points to himself & mouths ‘me’*
Yeah you.
*he tosses me cop car keys*
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[first day as Uber driver]
Me: any song requests?
Passenger: no thanks
Me: *tuning guitar* you sure?
“Why?” – Socrates and four year-olds
if you push your belly button and nose at the same time your brain takes a screenshot
Therapist: Would you use alcohol, food and sex as a means of feeling happy?
Me: Yes, thanks.
[on phone with poison control] How much would I have to swallow to be just sick enough to miss work for a few days?
Is it wrong to make change from the collection plate? Asking for a friend.
Parents to our kids: Honesty is the best policy.
Also parents to our kids: Pretend you’re sick and don’t tell anyone I held the thermometer to the lightbulb to get us out of this party.
You know when you do Secret Santa and you give the person a gift card, glove and scarf set in handmade gift bag you sewed yourself and you get a stained coffee mug with Halloween candy in it?
That.
The year is 2482.
The human population has been decimated.
Machines have taken over Earth.
A new season of Grey’s Anatomy starts.
Who tf called it WebMD and not Google Docs
reading Agatha Christie has ruined me for all other books. there are no murders in the first chapter? a child isn’t offed at a Hallowe’en party? nobody falls in love on a train? rewrite this please
Ending all emails in 2022 with BING BONG!
Sometimes, for fun, I like to mouth words to my husband when he’s wearing earbuds. When he stops to ask me what I said, I just say ‘forget it’ and storm off.
6: daddy can u turn up the cold heat
Me: I…I’m not sure what to do
Husband: My mom didn’t get the Mother’s Day candy we sent her.
Me: Oh no! I wonder what happened.
Husband: *pulls an empty box out of my nightstand*
Me: The dog is in SO much trouble.
Trainer: what are your goals?
Me: to pet all the dogs
Trainer: no, fitness goals
Me: to be able to run fast enough to pet all the dogs
People who wonder if the glass is half empty or half full miss the point.
The glass is refillable!That 👊
My dog forgot it’s mother’s day, again.
*during sex*
Him: come on baby tell me what you want me to do!
Me: ring for pizza, I’m bloody starving
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
Theres a dating website for people that believe the government is ran by lizard people so I really have no excuse for being single
My cat is bilingual. He ignores me in both English and Spanish.
Q. Where did Capt. Hook buy his prosthesis?
A. At a secondhand store.
Me: [sitting on a swing, eating goldfish crackers out of a plastic baggie at the park]
Him: How old is your child?
Me: Child?
This is Jetty. He never wants to hear you complain about his barking again. 13/10
“Then we are agreed: we shall have a duel to the death at sunrise. And if I oversleep you will start without me.”
be careful out there! #FiftyShadesOfGrey
work smarter, not harder
ugh not again