Your voice mail was so long, I thought I was listening to a podcast.
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There’s a tornado warning and we’re about to hop into our blow up pool. If you see us fly by, please don’t hesitate to say hello.
According to all these “note to self” sticky notes I am a very forgetful person also I have no idea what these notes mean
it’s not really fair to ask kids what they want to be when they grow up because as a kid I had no idea being a podcast cohost who does no research and just gasps or laughs was an option
Friend: [rubs my shoulder] Aw, honey, your life isn’t over. It’s just beginning!
Me: *sobs even harder
Kissing: first base
Under shirt stuff: second base
Under pants stuff: third base
Taking two to make a thing go right: Rob Bass
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
My neighbors listen to really good music… Whether they like it or not.
What if, instead of candy we give out things we no longer want, like a scratched up non-stick pan
My grandpa once shot a hornet’s nest with a shotgun and had to spend 4 hours hiding under a log until the swarm dissipated. What I’m saying is, I come from a long line of poor decision makers so you can only expect so much
LOAN OFFICER: I’m just a little unclear on the details.
DAVE: What are you not getting? I have 3 adoptive sons that are musicians and also chipmunks. They are obviously quite small and thus require custom instruments, for which I need a loan. Why is this so complicated?
People think I’m kissing an imaginary girl when I play air tuba.
[on date pretending not to be a dung beetle]
Date: What’s your favourite meal?
Me: Poop
Date: What?
Me: SOUP, I like eating soup
Just when you think your marriage is going smoothly your husband eats the last piece of cake.
Made the mistake of laughing at something my 7yo said and thus entered into a 72-hour hell spiral of listening to him repeat the same joke over and over and over and over…
What do whales do on a date?
Net flicks and krill.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
A Free Range Chicken is easy to spot due to it’s backpack & rugged little hiking boots
I’m basically only good at three things:
1. Programming
2. Counting
Keep your friends close and your m&ms closer.
Or something like that.
*tumbles down basement stairs, laundry flying everywhere*
Me: *whispers through pain* parkour…
Ways to look busy:
1. Turn up later than everyone else but rush into the office looking annoyed
2. Act like spending half an hour in the toilet has annoyed you
3. Rush around with an open laptop looking annoyed
4. Get annoyed at a printer
5. Just generally look annoyed
I always go swimming with a spoon in case I need to defend myself from a jellyfish.
Sidebar:
If a whack job is an artist, does that make them a whackadoodle?
Yes.
Me: could you put me in touch with my dead wife?
Spiritist: not tonight love.
Me: wow! It’s like she’s in the room.
God: [creating Guy Fieri] “Hand me a head.”
Angel: We’re out of human heads.
God: “Hand me a pineapple.”
Me: You’re going to prison?
My French accountant: Oui
Me: WE are going to prison?
When you’ve already coughed 3 times in class and you’re trying not to cough again
Me: Do you like my novel?
Publisher: it’s a tree
Me: I told you it was in the early stages
Detective: I see, and how long has she been missing?
Me: (holding back tears) 3 days
D: Mmhm. And we have her Instagram so we know what she looks like
M: Not really
Having multiple kids is weird. You have one kid you could trust to be home alone for a whole weekend & you know they’d eat vegetables, lock the doors, & wash the dishes.
Then you have another kid who is not allowed to hold an umbrella.
And they’re almost the same age.
Untitled Goose Game (2019)