Your voice mail was so long, I thought I was listening to a podcast.

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[Google Search History]
1. Do raccoons like to cuddle?
2. What does rabies smell like?
3. I can’t feel my face.


It’s fun to chant “Bloody Mary” three times into your car’s side mirror while driving at night and watch her jog to keep up


3: *throws plate in sink
Me: but you barely ate!
3: yeah, I’m full…what are you eating?
Me: the same thing you had
3: can I have a bite?


Even if your wife uses dual a sim phone, save both the number under one name “WIFE”.

Never save it as “Wife 1” & “Wife 2”.


Mama I made it :,) RT @funTweeters: #WayneL_Jr Your tweet was published Welcome to the family 🙂


A 41 year old gymnast is competing in her 7th Olympics. I just texted my son and offered him $5 to come downstairs and hand me the remote.


Why buy it for $7 when you can make it yourself with $92 worth of craft supplies.


I bumped into a VERY handsome man on the tube platform and now we’re on the train together and i can’t wait to steal furtive glances at him until I get to my stop and do absolutely nothing more about it


SEXY FLATMATE: I miss my boyfriend
ME: The doctor?
F: He never comes round anymore
ME [smiling at my room full of apples] Yeah it’s so weird