Your wife is beautiful, is she single?
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had to make it
I would like a refund on this lottery ticket. All of the numbers were wrong.
Newsreader FACT: John Snow started his career at an Eskimo news channel but was let go because it took too long to introduce him.
There is no bigger liar than the person who named the everything bagel.
The coins in my cup holder have bonded together and will be the problem of whomever owns my vehicle next.
Partner: It’s either me or the abroad scholarship. Choose
Me: I pick u…
Partner: I knew you lov…
Me: …nited airlines
E-thugs. Because talking shit in person is dangerous.
Autocorrect changed no worries to no weiners and that’s my new tagline.
Dads love inspecting a small injury like a splinter and saying “looks like we’ll have to amputate”.
What if Waldo isn’t actually hiding, and he’s just photo bombing all of those pictures?
Haiku is simple.
But not for my dog Buddy.
He sucks at counting.
If I’ve learned anything from this year, it’s that my family needs no more than 1 can of tuna for a pandemic. In a panic I bought 20 cans of tuna and 9 months later we have 20 cans of tuna.
My general rule about animals is if I can catch it, I can pet it. If it can catch me…well, I’ll get a few pets in first.
The best place on the internet is the reviews of hats for cats because every review is like “5 stars, amazing hat” and then a picture of the cat looking absolutely furious
I’m 53 years old unless I’m driving at night in the rain. Then I’m 107.
“It all started when my mom met my dad…”
Darth Vader: Join me on the Dark Side, Luke!
Luke: I’ll never join you!
Vader: We have flex hours and Pizza Fridays!
Luke: NOOOOOO!!!
*pours a bucket of water into the ocean*
You’re free now
SHAKESPEARE: Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
HIM: Sure.
SHAKESPEARE: Oh, wow, didn’t… didn’t think you’d say yes. I actually don’t have anything prepared.
HIM:
SHAKESPEARE:
HIM:
SHAKESPEARE: ur both hot.
Revenge is not a dish you dumb fucks.
Apparently “this house is a prison” wasn’t the right thing to say when my husband made me get out of bed this morning.
If sharks are so tough how come not a single one turned up to fight me behind the school last Friday
Good Cop: If you tell us where the money is we can help you.
Bag Cop: *majestically floats around the interrogation room on AC currents*
So unfair that I’m banned from Target. The sign said I could take three items into the dressing room and didn’t say one couldn’t be cake.
Hey kid.. don’t let your mom tell you that you need to wait an hour after eating to go swimming. I used to eat Philly cheesesteaks IN the pool. Everything is fine.
I asked my son to take the garbage out and he immediately tried to pick up his brother and boys are fun.
You don’t need to write “imo”. Nobody is confusing your tweets with Nietzsche.
Dating in your thirties is exhausting because you have to make small talk AND find the inner strength to stay up past 9
What a year we’ve had this week.
ME: Take care of my cat while I’m away?
HITMAN: [screwing on silencer] No problem.