Your windows aren’t that tinted that I can’t still see you picking your nose.
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*plot gets twisted.
plot: Ouch!
Why is it that everything in my fridge eventually goes to waist?
Russian skater just explained that he is “not a robot,” proving, of course, that he is a robot. #Olympics
SCIENTISTS: there are only 90 seconds remaining on the doomsday clock
ME: [73 seconds still remaining on my microwave hotdog] c’mon… c’monnn
Sure I’ve got problems like everyone else but not enough to start a podcast.
*after sex, in a British accent
“Please sir, may I have some more?”
I can’t wait when I’m old enough to blame my age on why I’m stealing batteries and cheese
do you think when firefighters blow out their birthday candles it’s just like more work to them
I’ve just checked and there’s no mention about sexting in the 10 commandments so we’re good to go.
If you find a stylist who can cut hair without talking, never let them go
Husband: You should go to bed.
Me: *pauses show* But there’s only 64 episodes left.
I offered Kinkos $5 for this… they said no.
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I like how the Tooth Fairy got the job, and then subbed it out to everyone’s parents. That’s called “business savvy.”
This dude got his own movie?
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Me: Time to relax and get into bed!
The Internet: Wanna read something upsetting first?
Me: Yes, obviously.
I’m just a girl
standing in front of a pizza
asking it to not have carbs.
Guess I missed the memo on National ‘bring your camel toe to work’ day.
I just yelled “ACKNOWLEDGE MEEE!” at the automatic sensor in the sink faucet if anyone is wondering how stable I am today.
gentlemen, we are gathered here today by my milkshake.
Free cake in the break room and these people turn into cheetahs on a gazelle.
I think Pam from Accounting died.
She wasn’t strong enough.
Your life flashes before your eyes right before you die. It takes an average of 70-80 years.
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day, desserts are the second most important.
‘Hey mommy look, a bone! Just like we have in our bodies.’
-my 5 year old eating fried chicken and dangerously close to connecting some dots.
ME: Doctor, doctor. I think I’m a pair of curtains.
DOC: Pull yourself together!
*both laughing*
DOC: But seriously, I’m gonna refer you to a therapist cos that shit ain’t right.
Crocodile towels ☺ @funTweeters @fun_tweets
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I bet they all call me paranoid behind my back?!
Human: what’s up with all the anal probes?
Alien: [shrugs] seems like most of your species keeps their head up there.
16: I hate old people.
Me: That’s where you and I are different.
16: You like old people?!
Me: No, I hate everybody.
Milking stools only have three legs, because the cow has the udder.
Her: but why aren’t the candles ON the cake?
Me: it’s not a birthday cake, Denise. it’s a summoning tart.