You’re a busy woman. Let the smoke alarm tell you when the chicken’s done.
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Tarantulas make great pets because when they die, rather than grieving you’ll feel an almost overwhelming sense of relief
dating me is like dating a golden retriever cuz u will be picking blonde hair off u all day and i get way too excited about everything
“Do people really become like their pets?” I wonder, absentmindedly raising a leg above my head and staring into space.
[Teaching pet elephant to wash the car]
ok Stompy fill your nose with water and spray it
*elephant crushes car*
why did I name you Stompy
This kid will have a bright future.
If nothing else, the iOS7 update has proved it’s usefulness by automatically adding the little accent mark to the word jalapeño for me.
Me: So Christ’s body is the bread?
Priest: yes
Me: and he rose from the grave
Priest: yes…
Me: because of the yeast?
Priest: no
Me: okay, none of this makes sense
Me: I’d like a nap please.
Domino’s employee: Ma’am, this is Domino’s.
Me: Ok one extra large nap and an order of cheesy bread.
me: [jumping out of a cake]
skydiving instructor: really not necessary for the experience
18 is TOO young to get married!
You can’t even buy booze at 18!
If you can’t buy booze, how the hell are you gonna make a marriage work?!?
If you have streaks of purple, green or blue in your hair, I will try to eat that cotton candy off your head until you tell me to stop.
Doc I keep throwing up
Did u eat anything odd lately
No
What about that bottle youre holding labelled “lizard juice”
You said eat, idiot
*puts words between two asterisks*
My day has been so awful I keep looking around to see if Nicolas Cage is in it.
I really wanna cuddle a great big bear but the biggest shame is that I’ll probably only get to do it the once.
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot…I then went inside and spent $447. Well played, IKEA.
For years I’ve been needlessly struggling w/ not having enough money until an internet commenter changed my life by telling me to work hard
I can still taste the cardamom pod I accidentally chewed in that pilau rice in 1989.
Everyone was texting her good morning sunshine, so I texted her “good morning solar eclipse”
Yeah, don’t do that.
‘Why do people even talk to babies? It’s not like they can understand anything’ I ask my dog.
I SAID: How’s vacation going?
MY PARENTS HEARD: I’ve got a couple hours, can you tell me every intricate detail about the weather? Start with the day you left.
Me: I need a doctor’s appointment
Receptionist: Ok [checks bookings] how about 10 tomorrow?
Me: No I don’t need that many
Plot twist. He’s actually a beautiful woman pretending to be a gross boomer reply guy
Forgot to mute myself on a Zoom call while my kids were home and my boss gave me three extra weeks of vacation.
I wish there was a way to keep in touch with dogs I meet outside of grocery stores.
I just wish I had someone who wanted to touch me as much as my shower curtain does.
Tom drives smooth: Tom Cruise
Tom hasn’t left yet: Tom Waits
Tom taking low road: Tom Petty
I have decided to boycott the Plague due to its poor customer service.
Feels wrong for women to be playing soccer while I’m just sitting here watching. I should be helping them
People say “Don’t get carried away” like that wouldn’t be the coolest mode of transport.