You’re a cunt. Maybe that’s why you’re alone.
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Pro Tip: when someone knocks on the door of bathroom you’re occupying, yell “CASH ONLY”
The casinos are closed, so get your gambling fix by ordering groceries online.
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and found the 1000s of pictures you have of them sleeping
Whoever first said “I’m in a pickle” must have had the weirdest day.
The security camera at work has “too many instances” of me acting like a dinosaur on film. And “any amount” is “too many.” According to HR.
Pretty sure my cold is trying to seduce me. I sneezed and my bra unsnapped.
The chick at this circus just swallowed a sword and I saw a guy elbow his woman like “see?…”
[Pizza falls on the ground]
Hold
HOLD!
-Germ boss telling his minions not to jump on the pizza until it’s been a full five seconds.
[blind date]
Me: So you can’t see me?
Him: Nope. Not at all.
Me: (stops sucking in gut) This is the best date ever!
My 7yo asking me when I’m leaving, how long I’ll be gone, the earliest I’ll get back, and how long it takes for me to drive home from where I’m going sends up all kinds of red flags.
oh shit i shouldn’t have quit my office job, that’s where i printed everything out
A zendetta is when you launch a blood feud against a killer who murdered your entire family, but remain pretty chill about the whole thing.
It is easier to pass a camel through the eye of a needle than it is to convince somebody online that they are wrong.
Pastor: pray for your enemies.
Me: Dear god, please kill all of my enemies.
Pastor: no! Not like that!
Me: too late. I already said amen.
a funny thing to do is to call someone & say “HI THIS IS BLOCKBUSTER VIDEO YOUR VHS RENTAL OF NEW JACK CITY IS 1,382 DAYS PAST DUE”
An older couple saw me open my wife’s car door for her and came over to compliment me.
Moral of the story: old people are nosy.
Me: Yells at my kids to stop wasting water.
Also me: Washes same load of laundry three times.
“Would it have killed you to brush my hair once in a while?”
-my daughter going through old photo albums
I’m just a boy… Standing in front of a girl…
Her: “Move.”
If you would like to get an idea of what an exorcism is like, try putting clothes on a toddler.
If I worked in a used record store I would tell every customer “all sales are vinyl” until I was fired.
It would be worth it.
“Morning guys”
“HOLY SHIT IT’S SUPERMAN!”
– Clark Kent’s first day at work wearing contact lenses
Friend: what are you doing for VD?
Me: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
Friend: Valentine’s Day…
Me, leaning in: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
5 things I hate:
-complainers
-list makers
-hypocrites
-people who don’t finish what they start
She: why are you dressed up as a duck?
Me: did you know people feed ducks in the park?
Sometimes when my cat is sitting on a chair, I sneak up, shake the chair hard, yelling, “EARTHQUAKE!” Sadly, like many, she’s not prepared
My 6-year-old broke his brother’s favorite toy. He asked me what to say to him. Sensing a teachable moment, I looked him in the eye, told him to go to his brother & say, “Mama has something to tell you.”
Me: your shoes are on the wrong feet
4yo:
Me: …….
4yo:………
Me :
4yo : but I don’t have any other feet
Me : fair enough –__–
[1994]
The rejected Spice Girl, Pumpkin, sobs outside the studio.
Little does she know that in 20 years their fans will love her the most.
Wife: OMG this checker is so slow at the grocery store
Me doing the self-checkout: I can hear you