You’re a cunt. Maybe that’s why you’re alone.
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Nothing is worse than having jock itch. ESPECIALLY within 100 ft of a school or playground.
ME: i’m writing a book about lame cars
HER: what’s it called
ME: sorry, no spoilers
Free cake in the break room and these people turn into cheetahs on a gazelle.
I think Pam from Accounting died.
She wasn’t strong enough.
Reason 5,746 why parents drink- my kids are fighting over whose horse is going faster on the same merry-go-round
Women dressed head to toe in animal print just bumped into me, thought I was being attacked my an obese leopard.
Bro I’m not afraid to die I’ve ordered calamari at like 8 different diners
[sees fly]
Hmm… I think I’ll name this creature “Fly.”
[sees bird]
GODDAMMIT
The part I don’t like about the show Unsolved Mysteries is when the mysteries don’t get solved.
Waking up in 2016: [immediately makes coffee]
Waking up in 2017: [immediately checks to see if WW3 has started]
When I’m mad at my kid, I don’t put the straw from the juice box in their school lunch.
“Sorry if I lose you. My phone’s about to die.”
“We’re speaking face to face.”
“Damn it.”
I feel bad when a fly gets into my house. I know that little guy is starving cause I ate and left no crumbs
Sing like no one’s listening
Dance like no one’s watching
Rub up against the bus stop like no one’s going to call the police
[dog wedding]
[Bride throws bouquet into crowd]
[Groom catches it, gives it back to Bride]
[Bride throws bouquet again]
[Groom catches..
I don’t trust any company that has a commercial with happy employees in it.
I just want to apologize to all the guys I dated BEFORE I started using Prozac.
And to their wives. And their local fire departments.
#ChangeAConsonantSpoilAMovie
Snapes On A Plane
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
people that brag about not eating processed foods like, okay??? what are you eating when you’re depressed? a carrot? we’re all dying, grow up and eat a hot dog from the street like the rest of us, pathetic
girl at the bar: You’re funny
me *brings her over to meet my wife* Tell her what you said
Miss Pissy Face and Mr Crabby Pants in HR told me I am not allowed to make up nicknames for my co-workers anymore.
Hub: Still mad?
Me: Jack & Jill went up the hill
H: To fetch a pail of water
M: Jack fell down & died a violent death
Hub: Ok, still mad
Nutritionalist: you should eat 2,000 calories a day
Me: ok, how many at night?
I’m going to normalize a new trend.
Unsolicited *CROC* pics
Today I spent an extra $10 to get to $50, just so I could get a $15 gift card. My wife is so proud.
ALADDIN: i can show you the world
JASMINE: wat why. do u kno that there are people out there. why do u think we live ina palace. no thank u
i wear a mask when i sleep, because who knows who’s going to come into an Arby’s bathroom this close to the highway
I had to explain to my 5yo that he’s not allowed to “kaboom” the baby
*Takes gift wrapping paper to the counter*
Her: Did you want to buy that?
Me: No, I just wanted to hold it for a while.
Co-worker: I know I’m not everyone’s cup of tea…
Me: Yeah, you’re my glass of ipecac.