You’re a dog person? *Throws a stick* Well? Aren’t you going to run after it or are you cool with being a normal human that’s also a liar?
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Me: eats spicy Szechuan for lunch
My guts the next day: look, we’ve had this discussion before
start pet casino? explore legality
shit this isn’t my notes app
My friend’s kid just asked the server for ballsack vinegar and now he’s my favorite person.
If the Pottery Barn didn’t want me to bring my goat in the store, they shouldn’t have called it a barn.
Bully: Give me your lunch money
Me (clutching my lunch sack against my body): My name isn’t Money
I accidentally said “pastryarchy” instead of “patriarchy” and now I have a vision for a better world
Wow…Looks like I’ve added some muscle mass.
~me everytime the scale tells me
I’m getting fatter.
I have seen lots of recipes for things to make from leftover chocolate from Easter this week. Which leads me to the question: what is leftover chocolate?
If you’re searching for a woman who’s sweet and funny and has her life together then look no further because that one at the table behind me seems like she does.
CUSTOMER: What’s it run on?
YODA: [first day as an electric car salesman] Watts, it run on.
CUSTOMER: Ok I need to speak to your manager, you baldy parrot.
“those tattoos will make it harder to get a job” ok well so will my personality.
My retirement plan is basically these 10 scratch off lottery games.
* scratches *
Damn.
Ok, 9 scratch off lottery games…..
The amount of things I charge in the evening is why I’ll be the first to go in next apocalypse
*gets out of bed*
*steps on something*
me: Ugh
*turns light on*
wife: What is it?
me: The cat caught another smart car
Lmao @ the people who named their kids Daenerys or Khaleesi. What a bunch of absolute fools. If only they were as wise as me, father to a beautiful baby girl named Detective Pikachu
drummer: “just add er on the end of your instrument”
guy who plays trumpet: “so im a trumpeter, ok cool”
guy who plays trombone: “oh no”
Lorde wrote her Grammy nominated album at age 14. My son is 13 and has let the bathtub overflow twice while he was sitting INSIDE of it.
Three men from my past have reappeared in the last few weeks to remind me how much I hate odd numbers.
Out of the blue, HR forced us all to review our workplace sexual harassment training.
The office holiday party is next week.
Coincidence?
Writing a work email:
“…I have an unexpected conflict…”My autocorrect:
“…I have an unexpected condom…”
Justin Timberlake: I’m bringing sexy back
Sexy: *nervously* uh no thanks I’ll get an Uber
How awkward would it have been for coach if he put in Air Bud and they lost.
My GPS thinks we should see other drivers.
I ordered one of those Tempura mattresses. Way too crunchy.
*orders sushi for delivery*
*throws towel over aquarium*
As spooky season approaches, my very interested toddler has been asking “WHAT HIM NAME?” when we see a skeleton or other ghoulish figure on someone’s lawn, and since “I don’t know” is unacceptable to people who are almost 3, I have been spitballing names of people I don’t like.
[on quiz show]
“and if you won some money today keith, what would you do with it?”
*leans way too close into the microphone*
spend it alex
A coworker gave me an invitation to her wedding in case you were wondering why this paper airplane I’m making has lace on it.
[rescued at sea]
Coastguard: Where are the others?
Me: Had to eat them.
CG: You were out there for 4 hours.
M: They really got on my nerves.