@Kyle_Lippert

You’re a dog person? *Throws a stick* Well? Aren’t you going to run after it or are you cool with being a normal human that’s also a liar?

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@kariassad

Don’t worry there’s only 60 more days of January

@1Happytwit

Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.

@ElgatoEsmio

At the state fair I realized none of my troubles matter when you dip them in batter

@XplodingUnicorn

Me: Did you pull off your Barbie’s head?

4-year-old: No.

Me: Then where’d it go?

4: She sneezed and it exploded.

Sounds legit.

@Darlainky

Veterinarian- You’re here to discuss your dog’s salivation?
Me- No. My dog’s a good dog, he’ll go to Heaven! I’m here about his slobbering.

@jzux

why do people get so upset about bad haircuts. name one other problem that resolves itself quietly over time while you wait

@Shade510

Her: What do you want to listen to?

Me: You name it…I’m pretty eclectic.

Her: Great…I have Amazon music.

Me: Actually I’m not really into the indigenous stuff.

Her:

@joe_binkley

“Opening a llama acting school called ‘Save the Drama for your Llama.”

“No, I mean where do you see yourself in 5 years with this job?”