“you’re a psychopath” at least i’m on a path babe sort your life out
You Might Also Like
shop assistant: can i help you find something?
me: a meaningful connection in an improbable world filled with chaotic and ultimately meaningless coincidences
shop assistant:
me: or laundry detergent
If you don’t like coffee, you’re probably just not putting enough Baileys in it
If painting yourself into a corner was considered art, I’d be Michelangelo
Wanna quit smoking? Wear boxing gloves. Can’t light them and you can beat people.
Mambo Number Five, but it’s a list of all the serial killers you dated without ever realizing it
My mom wants to see 50 Shades of Gray with me… I screamed, “OH HELL NO” and suggested we see Cinderella instead.
Interviewer: Why do you want this job?
Me: I’ve always been passionate about being able to afford food
My husband says I’m selfish, so yesterday when it snowed I let him have the shovel all to himself
Kids: We’re bored.
Me: Here’s a dime. Call someone who cares.
Kids: What?
Me: When I was a kid that was an insult.
Kids: Why?
Me: We had phones you had to put coins-
Kids: Why wouldn’t you just text them for free?
Me: So we didn’t have textin-
Kids: OMG HOW OLD ARE YOU
If you ever think you see Dean Koontz, start chanting koontz-koontz-koontz over and over so if it isn’t him it’ll just look like you’re really into techno and public humiliation.
Condom commercials should just be 30 seconds of crying babies shitting and vomiting all over themselves.
[date]
HER: Any hobbies?
ME: I collect old comics
HER: Oh! Like 1st editions?
ME: [flashback to Billy Crystal tied up in basement] Sure
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
*buys a 3D printer*
*prints a 3D printer*
*returns 3D printer for a refund*
If you hate pooping alone may I suggest having children?
if you have an lgbtq phobic family member tht merely tolerates you. take them aside and explain how you have seen the light and are trying to be cishet. there are classes but they’re expensive–you want it to be a surprise to the rest of the family-so you need $8500 to be straight
Taking pity on my neighbors and finally getting motorized blinds on my windows… they’ve suffered enough.
Friend looking at my legs: did you get a spray tan?
Me: oh, no. I just wiped my greasy hands off on my legs after eating a whole bag of chips.
“Daddy, I want to watch Dora.” Sweetie this is Dora. It’s the one where she plays an NBA basketball game against the Brooklyn Nets
I like ordering delivery pizza from two different locations as a race. I prize myself as the winner with two pizzas.
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we prefer to call it a background check.
Cashier: what’s with all the pineapple juice?
Me: *winks*
-Spends the night making delicious umbrella drinks with my cat.
My husband and I have reached the age that neither of us will get up to investigate even the strangest of noises.
boss: what are you doing this weekend?
me: more like who 😉
boss: *sigh* who are you doing this weekend?
me: no one 🙁
When anyone in my family gets out a board game I just storm over and flip the table before the game even starts.
Why delay the inevitable?
Since when is a sweater vest not business casual?
Work is telling me I can’t wear them anymore unless I have a shirt underneath.
[gets down on one knee]
her: omg
[gets down on two knees]
her: ok…
[gets down on third knee]
her: wtf
Employees must applaud the planets.
My husband is setting up a new cell phone and listening to him play every single ring and text tone is exactly what I imagine hell is like.
me: how is your pancake, bud?
3yo, rubbing the pancake on his face: it’s soft