“You’re a ten?”
“On the PH scale, Cuz you basic.”
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awesome draft from months ago i just found
Me: If you become a lawyer, I鈥檒l disinherit you
16: From what?
Me: …well played
Sexting:
Him: What do you like in the bedroom?
Me: Sleeping.
Him: No, I meant what can I do to make you happy in the bedroom?
Me: Close the door on your way out.
Him: No, I meant…
Me: Also lock the door.
[at a boat store]
Salesperson: Can i help you?
Me: (acting like I know what I鈥檓 doing) yes, I鈥檇 like to see your models that float please.
microwave: gonna cook it
me: no please. just defrost the chicken.
microwave: ok i’ll do both
Me: “Aw, your baby is cute. How old?”
Woman: “Thanks, she’s 34 weeks. Do you have the time?”
Me: “Sure, it’s 972 minutes past midnight.”
Do you single people want to know what marriage is like? Imagine having an argument in 1993 and talking about it once a week until you die
Me:Yes sir, I’d like to try that bracelet on
[points at display case]
Clerk: Ma’am, those are donuts
Me: …..
Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.
Me: *brings a cheesecake to a pie fight*
My enemies: sweet jesus she鈥檚 gone completely insane RUN!!
imagine telling yo girl a joke and i start laughing under the bed
i casually mentioned to my wife how ive started smiling with my eyes at work to signal no-threat and increase a sense of camaraderie and she’s like “what what do you mean smile with your eyes” and i showed her and she told me to never make that face again
Jesus loves me. This I know.
For my neighbor told me so.
Jesus is a Puerto Rican that lives two doors down.
I’m flattered…but straight.
i often counter someone鈥檚 dream story with my own very, extremely true story about how i sprained my ankle in the 7th grade while sprinting away in absolute fear from a girl who asked me my name
*goes to the park*
*spoon feeds red bull to the ducks*
Nature just builds 30 foot trees. Without even pulling a permit.
Princess Peach has been kidnapped so often, I’m beginning to think she might be Liam Neeson’s daughter.
I love travelling because I love to check if I have my passport every 3-4 minutes 馃グ
Yeah, I’m basically a Pokemaster.
*waves vaguely at shelves of confused squirrels in partially sealed Tupperware containers*
me, sober: ugh, i鈥檓 never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH
If someone finds a long red hair in the meal I’ve prepared, I yell “YOU WIN” and toss them a piece of candy.
7鈥檚 new favorite animal is the spider.
He tells me fact after fact about them, he鈥檚 made the background of his school iPad a spider, and he shows me pictures constantly.
I鈥檝e been a pretty good mom, so I鈥檓 not sure what I did to deserve this.
No matter how bad your day is going, take comfort in the fact that it was my dog, not yours, that took a dump in Home Depot.
Give a dad a fish and save him a trip to Costco.
Teach a dad to fish and you can throw wild parties while he’s away on fishing weekends.
It鈥檚 actually illegal to be mean to me. Many of you are under arrest
I’m pretty sure Morgan Freeman was narrating while the universe was being created
Son: But I鈥檓 not hungry!
Me: I heated that pop tart for 22 seconds! You鈥檙e gonna eat!
Me: *being hauled on a stretcher into an ambulance* Shotgun!
EMT: dude your gonna die if you si-
Driver: dammit Dave, he called shotgun
My wife bought me a nice jacket at a second hand store but it has the name Bubba embroidered on it, I guess I’m Bubba now.
I like to say something disgusting which makes someone else say something more disgusting then I call them a pervert.