You’re adorable, but not as adorable as my library app thinking I’ll be able to read Stephen King’s ‘The Stand’ in two weeks.
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[Fortune Teller]
“I see great wealth, also danger.”
Oh.
“And blue meth. Walt Jr. is crippled.”
Are you watching Breaki-
“Jesse is so hot.”
“I don’t know, it needs a little something. Hand me the garbage pail, Lorraine.”
Friend at bar asking what everyone wants in thier drinks: Do you like lime?
Other friend: What, like in tacos?
This is why I love them.
nobody warns you of the devastation two days of stuffing will bring upon your digestive system
“What’s this switch for?” he asked.
“No idea,” she said. She flipped it on. Off. “Nothing?”
Somewhere, a writer had an idea. Then lost it.
Possible Fact: If you suffer with freezing cold hands, you are contractually obliged to test their temperature by putting them on people.
All of my best ideas involve jail time.
I hope 2016 doesn’t get renewed. The plot is ridiculous and none of the characters are likable.
Don’t worry guys. I’ve got a scented candle and THREE healing crystals. I’ll have Twitter fixed up by noon tomorrow
Learning karate in case I’m ever attacked by cinder blocks and wood planks.
parties in 2004: I hope I don’t get drunk and tell mindy I like her
parties in 2017: I hope this beer company doesn’t support genocide
My dad worked on a car assembly line for 40 years. He retired years ago but still struggles with post pneumatic press disorder.
Being a parent is kind of like being a Scooby Doo villain. I would’ve gotten away with so many things if it weren’t for these meddling kids.
I’m bringing microwave mashed potatoes to my works Thanksgiving lunch because I dont really like any of my coworkers enough to peel potatoes for them.
Went to the car wash and asked for one of those Brazilian wax jobs everyone’s been talking about.
interviewer: one last question, name the coldest place on earth?
me: my ex’s heart
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: [holding back tears] you’re hired !!!
Oh no, it’s raining! What do I do? What’s a green light? What’s a stop sign? What’s a blinker? Where’s the brake pedal?
~people
Teacher: Any questions
*raises hand*
T: NO DUMB ONES
“Can you see continent names from space”
T: FOR FU-..ugh…Not if it’s cloudy bud
Calling someone unconventionally attractive is so funny like yeah you’re kind of busted but I can bravely see the beauty in you due to my Open Mind
8 [hugging me]: mummy you smell very good
Me [just showered]: aww thanks baby
8: not like before
Sometimes when my kids are following me around the grocery store, I walk in circles around things to test their loyalty.
-gestures to everything in the Garage-
Me- THESE ARE MY TOOLS AND I AM THEIR KING!!!
Wife- YOU’RE a tool
Me- DAMN RIGHT I AM
Wait..what?
*parks outside your house*
*holds up pepperoni pizza*
exclusively asking for swords for Christmas and if I get even one everyone who didn’t get me one better watch out
I can’t listen to music with my headphones at the office. Apparently everyone doesn’t enjoy the way I sing out loud
If you feel yourself getting bored because you’ve spent too much of your day in bed, just roll to the other side. It’s like a fresh start
Great! I just wet my pants. Now people are gonna think I spilled my drink on myself.
I startled my dog as she was peeing on a mailbox so now the dog she was leaving a message for is only gonna get half of it
a potato meteor that cooks itself as it hurdles toward the earth and lands on your plate hot and ready
Is there a bravery award I can nominate my son for as he managed to eat his toast despite the fact I cut it wrong.