You’re all arguing about what color the dress is… While I’m having sex with the girl who took it off.
You Might Also Like
Added my sticker to the family on the back of your van I am in your family now you have to bring me to costco every time you go.
In my 20s: jingle all the way
In my 40s: jingle til around six thirty
They say sex is the best for of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is gonna do much for your beer belly.
Interviewer: Describe your current position.
Me [from my wheelchair]: Seated.
A worm is a pretty shitty prize for getting up early if you ask me.
I love the people in parking lots with “free kittens” signs because I too feel that kittens shouldn’t be oppressed.
The writer is someone who decides school wasn’t enough homework and they actually need homework for the rest of their lives
6yo, looking at a cemetery: WAIT HOW CAN THEY ALL DIE IN ONE SPOT
Her: I don’t think I’ve ever read a recipe before that uses words like smear pulverize and glop.
Me in a huff: well you asked how I made it
And when you saw one set of footprints, that must be when you started paying attention cause I got tired and went home a while ago
Why do buses and trains cost money, like you’re going that way anyway give us a lift g
Government shutdown day 7: Electricity still works. Water is still running. No cool gangs to join yet. Worst apocalypse ever.
Asked for Cheez-its
Wife buys Cheese Nips
Now she’s sitting in the corner thinking about what she did.
When someone my age uses the word “harvest” there’s a 50/50 chance it’s a reference to either body parts or tomatoes.
My dad gets drunk and sends me this picture at least 3 nights a week
me: I told our son it’s okay to cry if you drop your ice cream
wife: what did he say?
me: he kept laughing at me
Home Alone teaches us that a child can’t pack a suitcase but can create a fully functional flame thrower to harm a small New Jersey man.
Not to brag but I walked by a group of guys today and heard one of them say “See? That’s why I’m gay.”
Updating my 2014 MacBook and you would think I am diffusing a bomb. It’s been two hours and the fan is going so hard it sounds like it’s preparing for take off
I need to go shopping for a new outfit. Anyone know who sells sizes OMFG and WTF happened?
turtles are just lizards who work in construction
[puts dog in car]
Me to wife: just gonna take her to the vet
Wife: why u whispering
[car screeches away]
Me with wife in headlock: thats why
Don’t tell me I’m not spontaneous. I didn’t plan that nap at all.
Not everyone was dancing in the moonlight. Some of us were trying to sleep.
Nothing is impossible, unless of course you are waiting for the coffee to kick in.
[job interview]
Interviewer: are you familiar with microsoft word
Me: yes i’ve heard that word many times
Teachers: You can’t write an essay in a night. Exam: Write an essay in two hours.
HR says I’m not allowed to test the bungy rope I made out of rubber bands on the intern
No Himalayan cow hoof for me please. I’m yak toes intolerant.
I haven’t seen the numbers, but I imagine vampire attacks are way down.