You’re all using your crystals wrong. Put them in a sock and start swinging.
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2yr old has discovered how to undress himself, and now I live with a nudist
*watching John Wick*
Ugh, 222 stairs would be difficult enough without fifty guys trying to kill me
I made a new rule at dinner tonight.
Every time my kids complained about my cooking, I gave them an extra helping.
It was the quietest meal we’ve had in months.
“Ok folks who ordered the macaroni & bees?”
“you mean cheese?”
[waiter struggling to keep bowl covered]
“that does make more sense actually”
“Barista” is Italian for BA in liberal arts.
The way this woman squealed when getting proposed to is the exact same reaction I had when I found out the restaurant serves 3lb. lobster.
The older I get, the more I relate to those angry elderly people who go around biting others.
My wife apparently was serious about the whole “even if you were the last man on earth” thing.
Melatonin: You want some help falling asleep?
Me: Yes please.
Melatonin: And you want your nightmares more vivid and real?
Me: What?
Ceiling Lady: 🅈🄾🅄 🄷🄴🄰🅁🄳 🄷🄸🄼.
How to get ready for things :
1. Procrastinate for 5 hours
2. Panic 10 min before leaving
Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: Could a drunk person do this? *I just piss my pants*
Cop: WOW. Yes actually.
Me: That was supposed to be a backflip
What if Waldo isn’t actually hiding, and he’s just photo bombing all of those pictures?
FRIEND: I miss hugging people
ME: Probably a depth perception issue
[1st date]
Him: This is fun
Me: It is
Him: The last girl I went on a date with was the craziest person I’ve ever met
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
when I was your age we had to wait 10 minutes to log into the internet
and we liked it
Did you know that simply replacing your cup of coffee in the morning with a refreshing glass of water can leave you both hydrated and in a terrible mood for the rest of the day?
Bring multiple sets of clothes to work, change every hour, and act like nothing’s different.
Boeing set to re-brand as “The ACME Corporation.”
me: I thought you would like it
grandpa: why would you think that
hospice clown: I should go
If you can pronounce Worcestershire I’ll assume you can do all sorts of fun things with your tongue.
Billy Joel: You may be right, I may be crazy! But it just may be a lunatic you’re looking for…
Billy Joel’s 3 ex-wives: Yeah. Nope.
Going to couples therapy with my alibi until we make it work because I’m not giving up on this relationship.
Someone just said “can you imagine what it must have been like to have been old enough to remember the royal wedding?!”
and i thought they were talking Charles and Diana.
but they meant Will and Kate ☠️
The human body can do all these cool restorative things, but don’t you dare swallow a drop of water incorrectly, because it may decide to just end you right there.
I feel sorry for the Phillip whose head inspired the screwdriver.
umm…
We got a notice at work that a coyote had been spotted on the fitness trail, and I was, like, “Good for him.”
I found the felon who is responsible for your lost socks. Already convicted of other crimes. It’s the fitted sheet. You’re welcome
When a waiter doesn’t write down the order and someone in your group asks for no pickles and you know that’s going to be thing that wrecks it for everybody.
There’s plenty of fish in the sea… For example, Christian:
