You’re an open book?
“Throws you into a bonfire.”
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mariah carrie
[making pigs in a blanket]
6-year-old: We can’t call them that. We have a pig.
Me: What should we call them?
6: Nobody you know in a blanket.
If you never milked a dead horse or got stoned from a turnip you don’t know how to mix metaphors. You buttered your bread, now lie in it.
Sometimes my stomach will make a noise and my brain will be like ok I never signed off on that
If your wife offers to cook you eggs and bacon at 3 in the morning, it’s not your wife and you’re at the Waffle House drunk again.
If you named your kid Hunter because you like to hunt, then I hate you. Who names a kid after an activity?.
*Storms off w/ his son, Kegger
[sitting at a table]
Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number*thermostat negotiations*
I want those snacks that have 2 eyes and a scary mouth
-my 3 yo, describing pretzels
why are we only commenting our code? we should be liking and subscribing too
her: i saw a shark walking along the beach
me: *flicks cigarette* sharks don’t even have feet, jen
“Whatever we do, let’s make sure it takes forever” – soccer players
But it’s not the “worst way” either…
My husband just walked in on me drinking cake batter from the mixing bowl and had absolutely no reaction. He’s my soulmate.
cross bred an apple with a garlic to create a gapple. the only thing that will defend me from the horrid Dr Dracula
A cheetah stalking its prey would be jealous of the way I pounce on the Skip Ad button on YT once the 5 seconds are up.
*chasing after the person that just robbed my house*
TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SO I KNOW YOU GOT BACK SAFELY
Me in my 20s: wakes up in the morning and hops out of bed
Me in my 40s: wakes up and sits on the edge of the bed for 43 minutes preparing my body to walk again.
ME (watching a sea of a million llamas stampede over the horizon): dear God, it’s the alpacalypse
Guys, stop comparing Trump to Hitler. He thinks it’s a compliment. Call him a middle-aged woman or a peaceful Muslim.
I hurt my bottom after shaking it at the office party.
It was a twerk-place injury.
Me: how are you?
Toddler: shitty.
Me: I hear that.
Toddler: can you change me?
Me: I can try but happiness comes from within.
Wife: HIS DIAPER YOU IDIOT.
My husband and I committed to never yelling at our kids. Then we had kids.
There was a praying mantis in my room so I stealthily grabbed a shoe and smashed my 2nd-story window and jumped out.
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Dogs aren’t allowed in restaurants.”
Me: “He’s my service dog.”
My dog: “I’m here to fix your refrigerator.”
Moment of silence for those who received mugs that aren’t microwave and dishwasher safe
Interviewer: [looking through file] Are you still disruptive at nap time?
Me: Wow, they weren’t kidding about that permanent record thing.
Octopuses are amazing in that they can squeeze into really tight spaces to hide.
But when I do it, NO ONE is amazed. All I hear is, “Play with us!” from my kids and “STOP hiding under the bed from our kids, YOU ARE NOT an octopus!” from my wife.
[Sigh]
What do you call a denim expert?
A jeanius.
If by chipper you mean woodchipper, then yes, I have a chipper personality.
What happens in Vegas shows up on your credit card statement the following month.