[You’re at Gwyneth Paltrow’s house and the power goes out]
NO. DEAR GOD, NO!
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god: you have outlived your purpose
dinosaurs: give us another chance
god: fine
dinosaur chicken nuggets: not like this
doctor: where does it hurt
me: everywhere
doctor: where specifically
me: well right now, in your office
If you put healing crystals in a sock and beat someone with it do they cancel each other out?
me: come back to my place?
her: sure
me: it’s not haunted
her: what
me: no ghosts
[Carnac the Magnificent]
Donald Trump
Hannibal Lector
Liver and fava beans*opens envelope*
“Name a winner, a skinner, and a dinner”
Crush calls.
Me: *Googles: how to lose 50lbs overnight*
*opens kitchen drawer*
Me: Whoa, what’s with all the whisks?
Sir-Mix-a-Lot: Why you judgin me?
[breaking up with a guy]
Me: It’s not you, it’s me. I’m much, much smarter and cooler than you are.
My toddler eats with her right hand but is ambidextrous when it comes to total destruction.
Too much work, not enough rich vampire boyfriend who cleans my house.
I just saw a girl running without headphones and I feel I should call the police. She might be in trouble.
Eye of the tiger. Nose of the lion. Mouth of the lynx. Ear of the bobcat. Throat of the cougar. Forehead of the ocelot.
After twenty years, I finally paid off my loan. Please be happy for me.
Friend angrily rolling eyes: I only lent you twenty dollars
20: Roll out of bed looking like a model
30: Blush, brush hair & go
40: Blowout, perfume, push-up bra, mani, Spanx, facial, plaster of Paris
As a holiday tradition on Christmas Day, all Christmas presents are checked with our drug dog.
Those deemed suspicious, are mine.
When I was 35, I put my finger in a small alligator’s mouth to see if it would hurt. Did it hurt? Yes. Do I regret it? No. I go into a lot of things and I KNOW I will get hurt, but I’m left with something money can’t buy. A pretty cool scar.
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
the worst thing about getting attacked by a crocodile is that your friends will probably scream “watch out for that alligator!” and then you will have to explain to them the difference while it’s eating your face
Sick of obnoxious ring tones in the office, so I’ve set mine to the sound of a girl screaming (horror movie style).
If you hold your ear up to the seashell at my house, you can hear my wife yelling at me for peeing in the ocean.
Me: *mouths I love you*
Him:
M: *blows kiss*
H:
M: *adjusts my pajama top*
H: *empties the can & hops onto the side of the garbage truck*
Sit-ups are no fun, sharpie abs are definitely the way to go if you want permanent results.
“It’s a competition, I didn’t come here to make friends.” — Jerry, the 1st contestant eliminated on this season’s “Friendmakers”.
Anyone who didn’t invent something in the 1400s was an idiot
When your unicorn and dragon start battling each other, it’s time to lay off the Ambien
“Sandwich artist” is a bit pretentious sir when you’re actually a subcontractor.
How old is too old to go trick or treating? Say over 50. Please say over 50.
Girlfriend: Did you get all the dishes?
Her (actual) boyfriend: I think so
Me: *from the bushes outside* You missed a cup, Todd
The older I get, the more I feel like the town elders in Footloose were actually pretty cool.
People need to wake up and accept that Batman regularly commits tax fraud