@RidiculousSheri

‘You’re beautiful and I love you,” I yelled as I stood alone on the cliff, and my echo replied “I just want to be friends.”

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@amy_stuber_

Overheard neighborhood story:

First person: my husband goes out and hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.

Second person: MY husband goes out at hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.

@squirrel74wkgn

All these gifts today better get me laid.

Wife (in a narrator’s voice): …but, then she overheard him talking…and he never did get laid.

@SlimWines

If my wife takes any longer to get ready to go out, she’ll need to go and shave her legs again!!

@GlennyRodge

Not surprised to find out I’ve lost my job at the graffiti removal company. The writing’s been on the wall for a while now.

@BrandonVine

I bet when Kanye was little he played tag by himself, then argued with himself on whether he was tagged or not.

@rockthechuck

[Fat lady goes to the zoo]

Zebra – What the hell is she wearing?

Bear – It looks like your mom

@J0hnnyBlaze

If she didn’t reply to any of your 20 texts, she probably doesn’t have good cell service. Definitely don’t stop texting her

@upsidedowntrash

[God creating lizards]
God: How about a snake with arms and legs?
Snake: [trys to throw its arms up in disgust, but just remains very still]

@lloydrang

People who say they are “comfortable in their own skin,” scare me because I wonder how they know what it’s like to wear someone else’s skin

@TheCiscoKidder

When I see a parked car with the stick figure family on it, I move the husband over and put my studly stick figure next to the wife.