‘You’re beautiful and I love you,” I yelled as I stood alone on the cliff, and my echo replied “I just want to be friends.”
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“ONLY 90s KIDS WILL GET THIS” I say loudly as I gesture towards my crotch
I wrote a book. It’s a murder mystery. You’re in it but only for the first couple of chapters.
Give a man a fish, feed him for a day.
Teach a man to fish in highly-contaminated water, feed him for a day.
Is sandalwood what a man gets if he’s unusually turned on by a pair of his own open-toed shoes?
despite threatening a hummingbird this morning I really do love nature.
Wife: I think I’m going into labor!
Me: *with a cold* Could you make me some soup before you go?
My “15 minutes of fame” are when I get my paycheck and everyone I owe money comes to collect
[Biden runs into the oval office]
“Barack, ISIS are on the phone. They want a shipment of updog. I asked what it is but they just laughed”
My 3yo explaining pizza delivery:
“You hear the doorbell, then you open the door, then a person is suddenly there, and then they give you a pizza. And then they disappear into the night.”
Boss: Why do you need to leave work early?
Me: Bro, I’m straight up not having a good time.
I was almost malled to death by a bear. He had me waiting outside of Bath & Body Works for like an hour.
Never knew kids were magicians until they started magically appearing at the sound of wrappers opening
Weird how we never hear stories about ghosts with mullets, hair spray or huge Afros that haunt people. It’s always those 19th century pricks
not now, i’m busy doing tax crimes on my abacus
I would give up shouting at trees for you.
I’m not saying my house is haunted, but something just growled in here. It can’t see me if I hide under the covers right?
“Hot damn!” – the Nazi’s probably after their dams were destroyed.
I don’t know; I’m not a historian. It’s just an educated guess.
Biggest conspiracy I believe in is that DiCaprio’s relationships are all advertising campaigns for their modeling firms and he’s been quietly married to Tobey Maguire since 2017
Waiter: Did you save room for dessert?
Me: Not really, I’m stuffed
Waiter: Ok, I’ll bring the check
Me: I’ll have the chocolate cake.
i said i was a “bawler” not a “baller” – i meant that i cry a lot
couple beside me in restaurant are on a blind date; they both love dogs, sushi, and looking at Tinder while the other one is in the restroom
Hear me out: a dating service that matches you based on your food delivery orders like “this person also ordered Chinese food five nights in a row”
“You’re not so tough now, are you, Batman?”
~ Drunk guy who punched a nun.
Godspeed, John Glenn
Interviewer: Your resume says that you’re good at multitasking
[me while painting nails]: Obvi
Interviewer: Please stop touching my nails
WIFE: The police are at the front door
ME: *hiding a bag of donuts* Do they look mad?
PSA: when the family come to identify the body don’t yell “abracadaver” as you remove the sheet.
I took two days of first aid and now I’m really wondering why it takes doctors 4+ years to learn all this!
DTF (Down time finally)
-mom’s everywhere
YES I’M JEALOUS OF YOUR GOLDFISH. MENTAL ILLNESS RUNS IN MY FAMILY.