‘You’re beautiful and I love you,” I yelled as I stood alone on the cliff, and my echo replied “I just want to be friends.”

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Overheard neighborhood story:

First person: my husband goes out and hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.

Second person: MY husband goes out at hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.


All these gifts today better get me laid.

Wife (in a narrator’s voice): …but, then she overheard him talking…and he never did get laid.


If my wife takes any longer to get ready to go out, she’ll need to go and shave her legs again!!


Not surprised to find out I’ve lost my job at the graffiti removal company. The writing’s been on the wall for a while now.


I bet when Kanye was little he played tag by himself, then argued with himself on whether he was tagged or not.


[Fat lady goes to the zoo]

Zebra – What the hell is she wearing?

Bear – It looks like your mom


If she didn’t reply to any of your 20 texts, she probably doesn’t have good cell service. Definitely don’t stop texting her


[God creating lizards]
God: How about a snake with arms and legs?
Snake: [trys to throw its arms up in disgust, but just remains very still]


People who say they are “comfortable in their own skin,” scare me because I wonder how they know what it’s like to wear someone else’s skin


When I see a parked car with the stick figure family on it, I move the husband over and put my studly stick figure next to the wife.