@T_Bonezzz_

“You’re beautiful on the inside.”

– Me, to a Twinkie

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[Me at job interview]

And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?

@anerdonfire2

It’s perfectly acceptable to hate someone who brags about how much sleep they get

@Spaziotwat

[10,000 BC]
Primary cause of death: Eaten

[Now]
Primary cause of death: Eating

@Sophie2078

Guy: I want a divorce.
Me: And who are you?
Guy: I’m your husband! We live together for 6 years!
Me: Hmm.. No way! Are you sure?

@TheHyyyype

i was once in a long-distance relationship and she called me one day crying and admitted she’d cheated on me, and i should have broken it off then but i was young and smitten so i said “it’s ok, i forgive you, just promise you won’t do it again” and she said “no”

@jakelikesnaps

*locks hands with stranger in elevator*
im nervous, this is my first time flying

@mynameisntdave

If you want your dog to take a pill:

1. Get a piece of cheese

2. Eat the cheese for energy

3. Get ready to wrestle your dog

@ConorOToole

Did you know all your parents’ haggard old friends from your childhood memories were in fact 31 years old