“You’re beautiful on the inside.”
– Me, to a Twinkie
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The best way to let someone know you don’t like them is to offer them a healthy snack.
Boss: You were napping
Me: No I wasn’t
Boss: You drew eyes on Post-it notes & stuck them to your face
Me: Liar! *draws on angry eyebrows*
Carrot cake is both my favorite carrot and my least favorite cake.
friend: they say pennywise takes form of your greatest fear
[later]
tv: the big bang theory marathon starts now!
me: holy shit it’s him
If your drug dealer answers your call on the first ring …. he’s a cop.
NASA Social Media Manager Considers Himself Part Of Team
Cop: You there! Hands over your head!
Me: *raises hands*
*30 avocados fall out of shirt*
Cop: Holy guacamole!
Re: global warming and the cold weather
“Liberals keep telling me the Titanic is sinking but my side of the ship is 500 feet in the air.”
*receives invitation to dry wedding*
*becomes wine smuggler and most popular wedding guest ever*
Every time you downvote a reply, Twitter releases a lion emoji to eat that user.
[job interview]
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: that’s a trick question there is no c in any of those words
My kid to his cousin: will you eat my dinner if I give you 10 bucks?
His cousin: yeah sure
My kid to his uncle: can you spare 10 bucks if it makes auntie happy?
Heard a rival dad in the neighborhood was handing out full size candy bars so now every trick-or-treater that comes to my door is getting an entire rotisserie chicken.
people in the Bronze Age actually lived far more luxurious lives than our own. Archaeological evidence indicates that they had vases with octopuses on them. do you have that? didnt think so
Screw you haters who are honking at me as I tweet, paint my nails, and drive. You’re just jealous that I can multitask.
The moment I met my mother-in-law, I could instantly tell that she was the type to unfairly judge me.
My son turned 8 yesterday. I’m killin’ it at this parenting thing.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m extremely flexible
professor x: [looks at watch] oh shit i have another meeting, can we reschedule?
me: no problem
good morning to everyone except those who can whistle with their fingers.
Hubs accidentally picked up my coffee cup this morning, took a big gulp, and spewed it out across the table. What a waste of good Scotch.
Psst. The real reason Ryan Gosling is taking a break from acting was to molt, mature & become Ryan Goose.
If I’m ever on COPS it would be titled “When Suspects Attempt To Pet The Police Dog.”
Maybe if wommen’s uteroids weren’t such powerful mystery-swamps, the GOP wouldn’t have to police them with #light & #K9 units.
Nobody:
Every chicken recipe: PARSLEY, SAGE, ROSEMARY, AND THYME
*puts pancakes over eyes like cucumber slices*
i hate when people wait in the chat as u type… mf can i get some privacy??
My daughter once asked me if dinosaurs were around when I was little. She’s still grounded.
Them: Do any vampires die in this movie?
Me: No it’s pretty low stakes.
[during sex]
Can I call my mom? She said this would never happen. Wait-will you call her? Tell her this is happening! She’ll believe you.
I didn’t have to shower alone today…..
Related…….why the hell are there spiders in the winter?