@T_Bonezzz_
@GrantTanaka Waitress: Can I take this out of the way for you?
Me: [glances at wife] uh…sure
Wife: SHE MEANS THE PLATE, IDIOT
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@GrantTanaka 
@Sorrowscopes Leo: Your natural selfishness will play to your advantage today when you spot a donut in the hands of a child you could easily overpower.
@SteveDutzy HOT SINGLE GRANNIES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOU TO LOOK AT HOW TALL YOU’VE GOTTEN
@Xylit0l Wish all of my viruses were this polite
@Browtweaten [placing hand on my boss’s casket] who can’t think outside the box now
@RickAaron The Lost & Found Desk at the casino was no help whatsoever in locating my $762.
@HuffPostComedy We like the way Dwight thinks
@OlBigBear *Runs into bank with gun*
Alright! Everyone put your hands up!
*Tickles everyone*
@bencoffeehall I’m working on my second million, since I failed so much at the first.
@DaddyBeerGuy My daughter is worse than a twitter newbie..
She manually Retweets everything I say…
To my wife!