@T_Bonezzz_

“You’re beautiful on the inside.”

– Me, to a Twinkie

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@GrantTanaka

Waitress: Can I take this out of the way for you?
Me: [glances at wife] uh…sure
Wife: SHE MEANS THE PLATE, IDIOT

@Sorrowscopes

Leo: Your natural selfishness will play to your advantage today when you spot a donut in the hands of a child you could easily overpower.

@SteveDutzy

HOT SINGLE GRANNIES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOU TO LOOK AT HOW TALL YOU’VE GOTTEN

@Browtweaten

[placing hand on my boss’s casket] who can’t think outside the box now

@RickAaron

The Lost & Found Desk at the casino was no help whatsoever in locating my $762.

@OlBigBear

*Runs into bank with gun*
Alright! Everyone put your hands up!
*Tickles everyone*

@bencoffeehall

I’m working on my second million, since I failed so much at the first.

@DaddyBeerGuy

My daughter is worse than a twitter newbie..

She manually Retweets everything I say…

To my wife!