You’re born alone and you die alone. And a bunch of people annoy you in the middle. Okay, good night.
You Might Also Like
When someone asks what my hobbies are and I try to think of something other than “drinking”
The dude who invented the flashlight got me through some dark times.
Cop: What is your line of business?
Me [mumbling]: Treason stuff.
Cop: Louder for the microphone.
Me: Trees ‘n’ stuff. Gardening.
where it all went wrong:
“of course i know where we’re going”
Please stop inviting me to bars where I have to stand up the whole time I’m not a dairy cow
I’m not saying my husband and I are scared of our 3yo, but we just did Rock Paper Scissors to determine who was going to take the baseball bat away from him.
My swear jar is now worth more than my stock portfolio.
Pug: did you play favorites when you named our breeds?
God: I don’t play favorites.
Pug: what about Golden Retriever and Great Dane?
God: those are just names.
Pug: yeah I guess.
God: I promise everyone got the name they deserved.
Shih Tzu: [to Pug] did you ask him yet?
Never ask a shepherd how many sheep he owns, I don’t think he’d know, he probably falls asleep every time he takes inventory.
how is beauty and the beast a “tale as old as time”? a lady hooks up with a big dog, and all the candles in the house start talking? I hope that hasn’t happened before
Janay Rice says the elevator attack was all part of God’s plan. God must not like her very much.
DATE: Let’s go to your place.
ME: We’ll take my car *pulls out Hot Wheels car*
DATE: …
ME: Just kidding.
DATE: Oh, thank God.
ME: I don’t have a place. I’m homeless.
No one girl should have all that power. 😂
Kids: Mom told us about the elf.
Husband: She did? She told you that…
Kids: He has COVID.
Husband:
Me:
6: And he’s on a bendilator.
Sometimes I dance on my bed half naked & sing into my hairbrush…. and other days… I take my medication.
People say sausage dogs are impractical but how many golden retrievers can run a fresh toilet roll under the cubicle door?
A router goes into a doctor’s office and says, “It hurts when IP.”
This morning my husband crooned “How’s my beautiful girl today” and I was feeling pretty damn good until I realized he was talking to the dog.
All I’m saying is nothing is more annoying than people who ask “Why do you let them annoy you?”
*starts new diet*
“Do not drink caffeine”
*ends new diet*
Todd on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Todd? Most people love it.
Oh god I decided to look cute instead of wearing stretchy clothes and now I’m being bisected by the waistband of my pants and I have such regrets
The pot called the kettle black. The pot is silver…………we now have a situation in the kitchen.
I have a new favorite conspiracy theory
Me: The face is a tortilla. The eyes are banana slices and the mouth is made of peanut butter. His name is Bertram. He’s my best friend.
[12 minutes later]
Me: I have eaten my best friend.
So there I was standing in an art gallery quietly appreciating the work when my ex noticed me at a display and decided to approach.
She said “I suppose you like this hideous monstrosity?”
And I said, “That’s a mirror”.
Which was nice.
You can have a child or you can have a phone charger. You can’t have both.
Spider-cat: No One Home
My one egret is eating at the aviary. My food had a heron it.
co-worker: kinda weird how batman takes a kid out at night to punch felons
bruce wayne: [across the room] i dunno kinda sounds like you guys are just making it weird