You’re born, you grow up, have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive, you die, your kids have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive……

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“Just act natural,” I say to myself as I purchase a spade and two large bags of cement.


If anyone is interested I’ll be signing books tomorrow at Barnes & Noble from 6:00pm until I get escorted out by security.


Him: your account was stolen!
Me: My twitter account?
Him: no your bank account!

Me: thanks God!


16 yr old nephew bought me a Miley Cyrus CD. He said “Listen to it, it’ll change your mind. It did change my mind. I used to like my nephew.


Squirrels run around like they’re being chased. Nobody cares about you. You live in tree. Get a job


Everyone on twitter is single, pretending to be single, or about to be single


The Dalai Lama: Do not let the behavior of others destroy your inner peace

Parents with kids of all ages: hahahaha yeah ok


Why can’t deer slowly cross the road, all cool and Pacino like
“I’m walking here!”


I don’t know, Jay-Z. If I was worth half a billion dollars, I’d have like 3 problems. Max.


I dont know about you guys, but I am amazed Pringles is able to constantly grow the same shaped potato. Science.